Elements of Communication: Element #2: Giving Space & Trust

I wrote this article in early January and it a response post. I loved this article and I wanted to add it to the Elements of Communication series. Here is the first one:

Element #1: Having an Opinion

And here is the article explaining Element #2: Giving Space & Trust

This is a follow-up post to lisaq’s post on 20-forty answering the question, “is it okay to go out with the girls or should couples always go out together?” You should read her post.

When I read this post, it brought me back to so many moments when that issue came up in my previous relationships. Whenever my girl would want to go out without me, there were so many different things that went on in my mind.

“Why does she want to go out somewhere without me? “

“What’s wrong with me that makes her not want me there?”

“I wonder what’s she is going to be doing since I’m not around. Actually, I wonder what her friends will make/let her do with me not there.”

Then the usual sequence of ideas goes from that to wondering what drunk idiots will do when they see my girl with her friends, without her man. And then what she would do. Needless to say, it would cause a lot of problems in my relationships. What I would confuse for showing how much I care and don’t want anything bad to happen to her was actually showing a lack of trust in her, her friends and most importantly, insecurities about myself.

Never again.

I think it’s important that we talk more about relationships, as it is very important not only to gain one but also to maintain a very healthy one. This is one issue that proves to be a deal-breaker. If you haven’t read my post about fulfilling a woman’s emotional needs, I highly suggest you give it a good read. By far, one of my best.

In any relationship, it is important to establish two important things – trust and space. Yeah, trust is a given but it’s so easy to give off the feeling that you don’t trust her inadvertently. That whole “not trusting the drunk guys out there” thing is a lame excuse (just like Lisa said). If you really trust her, you’ll also trust the fact that she’ll know how to handle those drunk men. And what if she gets drunk herself? If you have to worry about her actions being different when she’s drunk, then that is something that you will have to confront her with, but ONLY if you have seen or heard that she does things while drunk that can be questionable.

On the same note, I feel as though trust can be related to space. Most people have different test levels of trust. Sure, we can trust someone we like with some personal secrets, or with some of our personal belongings, and of course, our love, but then when it comes to being separated – even if for just a few hours – it becomes a different test of trust. If you feel good about your relationship and actually trust her, I think it’s good for both of you to have other things to do in each other’s lives that don’t involve the other person. A typical example is a girls’ night or a guys’ night. But other examples may have to do with hobbies that only you enjoy.

Remember in high school when you had your girl but you played a sport and had to dedicate a crapload of time practicing and playing your sport (for me, it was football)? Your girl wasn’t around that much – unless she went to see you play at a game, but still, she couldn’t talk to you until after the game was over. With practice everyday, you she rarely had a chance to see you. But, whenever she did have that chance to be with you, you could tell she really appreciated the time with you – and vice-versa. I strongly believe that you need to find something like that and continue to hold on to a good chunk of your world as you two slowly merge them together.

When I talk about building your life, making yourself interesting and doing things that YOU love to do, once you get into a relationship, that doesn’t mean that you have to give up any of those things. Logically speaking, if you did give up those things, you wouldn’t be interesting and you certainly wouldn’t be the attractive person that your girl fell head over heels with – which is not what you want to do, right? Plus, you won't feel obligated to have to do everything with your girl if you have other activities going on in your life (I don't see anything wrong with that, just as long as it doesn't interfere with your relationship.).

So if there is anything you take from this it should be a few things.

1. Read lisaq’s blog, 20-forty.

2. Allow your girl to have nights out with her friends and without you. If she doesn’t invite you, chances are it’s a girls’ thing and be ok with it. Give her the benefit that she has nothing up her sleeve. Don’t give yourself reason to doubt if she hasn’t done that for you, already.

3. In the meantime, go and have your poker nights or your beer and wings nights with your boys.

4. Make sure that you are still having a life and doing things that you love. Remember, your whole point of wanting to be with a woman may be to actually share those things about yourself with her. Not doing those things and changing your life would be counter-productive.

I’m sure we could get deeper into this but I’ll save this for another post.

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The Professional Wingman is Here!

 

So it's finally here! I am SO excited about this. I wanted to make my dating consulting fun and unlike many that is out there. I really feel like this is the way to do it. I present to you, the Professional Wingman.

It will serve as the extension of the Project Infinity brand and will be the center of my dating consulting services. For those that have been here from the beginning, my dating consulting hasn't changed. What I have added has been the "wingman" element. The wingman (me), will be the guy that helps enhance your nightlife right there with you. I'll be taking you out to places in Boston and we will rock out. I will help you meet women (and men for women who want this service) and give you real-time feedback as to how your interaction is going.

I have been working on this for a few months and I can confidently say that I have it down pat. My coaching, motivating and methods have provided very good results and now I can make this service public.

If you want to inquire about services, be sure to check out the Professional Wingman site.

I am TOO excited about this and as always, I am welcome to much feedback.

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Get the VIP Treatment (Part 2)

So to follow up on Thursday's post, here is what happened.

Bottle service can be a great thing but it is probably one of the most difficult things to handle in the nightlife. Making sure everyone pays you. Defending the booze from strangers who just want to be a part of the group. The simple organization of it all. I personally think that with quality people, it can work well. Fortunately, my buddy understands this and doesn't want to bother with it.

Now the great thing about this is I can tell the manager that we're not going to do the service - BUT we're still coming 20-30 deep anyway. He'll love that. He helped me, so I'm going to help him. Besides, in the summer, when it's MY birthday, he'll be more than willing to help me out.

So tomorrow night will be a good time.

In the end, you want to be able to be the guy that can bring fun, people, and business to a place. Business is key here, in my opinion. You can be a cool guy that people just want to be around. But if you can bring others into the mix, that's another thing. They'll want to make sure you keep spreading word about their place.

It's almost like being your own promoter. But instead of promoting the venue, you're, in essence, promoting your life.

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Get the VIP Treatment

I've mentioned many times before how it is important that you have a few spots in your area where you are a regular. If that requires you to go once or twice a week, then so be it. Creating a lifestyle takes time and commitment.

So if you've reached that point where you are a regular and you have befriended the bartenders and waiters then you should notice that you've been treated a little bit better. Maybe the bartender serves you quicker on busier nights or you get a few drinks "on the house." Not only are these things beneficial to you but your social circle as well. Remember the whole "giving value" thing? Yeah, they'll appreciate the fact that you get hooked up and are sharing that with them (and they'll tell their friends about it, too - increasing your popularity).

I don't take advantage of situations at all for my personal beenfit - but I love doing it for other people.

Case Study: My buddy's birthday.

I want to make sure that my buddy has a great time at a place where he wants to go. I also want him to be treated well at this particular venue. So using my strings, I have been able to get him a table for little to nothing for this weekend (pending we meet requirements and he decides that that's where he'd like to have his party). I'll give you a small breakdown of how I was able to pull this off.

Over the course of several months, whenever I go to this place, I brought different people every time. I always made friends with everyone that worked there and checked in on them every once in a while throughout the night. I always sent a text to the bouncers to make sure that the amount of people I was bringing was ok. Above everything else, I thanked EVERYONE when the night was over. And of course it should go without saying that the people that I bring here are always model citizens who have a good time and not cause trouble.

A couple of weeks prior to my buddy's birthday, I talked to the manager about possibly wanting to hold a party there since they've always treated me well. I pretty much told him that if I can bring a ridiculous amount of people there, would he be able to hook me up (the venue is pretty small so an amount of 30 people would be pretty substantial). He said that he'd look into it and when I have official numbers, he'll "make it happen."

I tried my best to keep in touch with him, letting him know of my progress and he appreciated it. Today, he finally said he'd hook me up so I'm pretty excited about that. Once my buddy says that he'd like to have the party there, if it's possible, maybe I'll surprise both my buddy and my manager and bring more people there. But we'll see.

In the end, the important thing about being treated like a VIP is building and maintaining relationships. Going to a place once a month isn't going to cut it. You have to be out there in the scene, "working hard."

I'll have a follow-up post here about how all of this worked out in the end.

And my next post will actually be about how who you know can make your lifestyle infinitely easier.

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Elements of Communication: Element #1: Having an Opinion

Over the next several posts to make sure I generate some quality content here at Project Infinity, I am going to start a few new series. What each series will be about will generally be based on where my mind is at the time.

This first series will be about Elements of Communication.

Element #1: Having an Opinion

For the past several days I have seen tweets and been in discussion with family about how men tend not to speak up about certain things such as how they feel about something or where they would like to go on a date. You have NO idea how bad this makes you look, gentlemen. As nice as it may seem to you that you are considering her feelings about certain things, it actually does not benefit you – it hurts you. In fact, let it be considered a test.

Allow me to explain with this one question.

If you can’t be confident enough to be able to make a clear decision or opinion on something, how can she trust that you’ll be able to do the same for much more important things down the road?


Yes, it may be a first date, but most women are going on a first date in hopes for another one and this is one sure fire way to see if she’ll want to.

Think about it as men. How does it make you look that you can’t even decide where to take someone on a simple date? About as silly as someone having to build IKEA furniture…blindfolded. You know what I’m talking about.

It really doesn’t matter what your opinion is, as long as you are able to express it logically and stand by it. I personally love having discussions with people about things and we may not always agree but we can always leave a discussion respecting the other person’s opinion if presented well enough.

Beyond that, having an opinion and being firm about it is pretty attractive, considering many men out there have a hard time standing by their judgment calls for fear of criticism or rejection. The same goes with making a decision. Honestly, if you asked a woman out on a date, presented to her when and where the date will take place, what you’ll be doing and how she should dress, she’ll be relatively impressed, just by the sheer rarity of which that can occur. Plus, you seem so sure that she’ll have a good time, how can any woman truly resist wanting to go on that date?

A real man knows what he wants, is willing to express and not apologize for having feelings or an opinion. So don’t be afraid to speak up, gents. Women are looking for that.

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Here's A New Book For Guys to Check Out

Ever wanted to know what you did wrong in your conversations with women, whether they are by phone, text, IM or in-person? Didn’t you wish you had someone there to analyze what you said and how it could have been better? Well, here’s your chance. My buddy, Mark also known as Entropy, has come up with a new series called, Conversation Demolitions.

This will be a continuous series of conversations carefully dissected to see the things you said, how she responded, why she responded the way she did and what this entire thing means. I think it’s important that guys think a little more about what they say before they say it to avoid saying something wrong and to clearly state your intent and meaning. This isn’t to be seen as a “say this to get that,” kind of book. This is to be seen as a book where you can understand why what you say evokes certain reactions from women that you may not want and how to avoid them by properly stating what you really want to say.

Mark hits all conversational media including instant messaging, Facebook, text messaging and more. Mark is one of the best I know in being able to correctly analyze interactions and instruct you on how to be better at them. I can’t really say much more about it because it’s as simple as the title – Conversation Demolitions.

Actually, why don’t I give you an example?

Me: hey! A new member on the company page :P
Her: haha yes great huh! You’re quite up to date
Me: yeah, well with today’s technology you should ;) do you like it at work?
Her: yeah I sure do! You work part-time right?

A good casual opener. What a lot of guys don’t realize about opening women at work, in class or in other social circle situations is that running game often works against you. You can easily be seen as “weird” or “creepy” because you’re talking to a girl at work as if she’s some bimbo at a club.

She asks you a question, which you can take as another indicator of interest.

Me: oh ok, great! The other day you gave me the impression that a customer was driving you crazy :P haha yeah I work part-time, tomorrow I’ll work another morning.
Her: ok that’s nice. Yeah that customer really drove me nuts [she tells the story]. You probably heard it before ;)
Me: yeah I know what you mean, sometimes people just don’t get it so you have to explain it 10x before they get it.

Yes I study full-time, so I don’t have that much time left to work. I really like it like this though, making a little money on the side and having some variation instead of only studying the whole time.

What do you want to become when you grow up? And don’t tell me rich ;)

You let her know that you’ve noticed her by bringing up the customer. She tells a story, you tell something about yourself. Classic rapport-building going on here, which is WHAT YOU SHOULD BE DOING (I have to reiterate for the dancing monkeys out there) because 1) this girl has already shown a lot of interest in you and 2) you’re at work.

You move to qualify her.

Her: I wan’t to become wise, and you?

Good answer, I like this girl.

Me: I can’t tell you.. I don’t know you well enough yet.

Creating some intrigue and mystery. The implication here is that she’ll want to know you better. Good stuff.

I’d also like to add that you’ve calmly lead the conversation well the entire time.

Her: nooo what do you want to be when you grow up ;) poor?

She teases you a bit. This could throw some inexperienced guys off. This tease is actually another signal that she’s into you. She’s teasing you BECAUSE she wants to know the answer. A lot of newbies would be like, “WTF, shit-testing bitch” right here.

Me: haha I want to stay successful, happy, and healthy.

So what do you do to become wise?

You just dig deeper on her answer, this is a good example of comfort game.

Her: just living, that will make you wise by itself, and I have promised myself to really go back to school next year. I sort off postponed it. What do you study?

Me: I don’t agree with you one per definition becomes wise by living. A lot of people don’t even think about what they experience or feel.

I like this because she gave a half-assed answer and you called her out on it. Sure, this may irk some weaker-minded women, but what you’re sub-communicating here is that you’re actually curious and you have high standards for the people you hang out with.

[I tell her what I study]

What do you want to study?

Her: ok you’re right it’s definitely important what you go through and what kind of challenges you set for yourself. But for me the challenges present themselves, so all I have to do is live. You fall and get right back up and proceed. But you’re doing good! What type of work do you want to do after you graduate?

She kind of qualifies herself here, but also sticks up for her answer. I’d just let it go.

Me: I don’t think that it’s necessarily what you go through, but how you respond to it that determines who you are.

There’s also a lot of knowledge in books by the way ;)

Be careful, you’re kind of picking an argument. Some girls dig intellectual arguments, but generally I hold off on them. This is an easy way to annoy her or come off condescending. Being right all the time isn’t THAT important.

Not huge on the tease either.

This is nitpicking here, I think you’re still doing fine.

[I tell her what I want to do after I graduate]

What’s your best characteristic?

Her: I have a few characteristics that I am really happy with: I’m respectful towards everyone, regardless of status. I’m extremely optimistic, and rarely ever stressed (ideal!)

More qualification, this is a much more personal question, or in MM what’s called a “large hoop.” The fact she complies so eagerly means you’ve built a lot of attraction and trust.

And what’s something you’re really happy about? It’s kind lame that I keep asking and you? but, I’ll soon come up with an original question ;)

Translation: “I want to impress you. I REALLY like you.”

Me: haha well you also have self-knowledge, are able to critique yourself, and are willing to change, lol :P also good characteristics!

And you compliment the SHIT out of her. PERFECT.

Guys really don’t use compliments enough. But when a girl really sub-communicates a lot of interest in you and complies with you in a major way, THE BEST thing you can do is compliment her.

I think that my best characteristics are that I’m ambitious, persistent, have integrity, and can make people smile, the rest will remain a surprise for now ;)

I’m going to sleep, sweet dreams and I’ll see you tomorrow!
Her: good idea, good night!

You share more about yourself, leave a little teaser once again, and then cut the conversation off at a high point. All very well done.

I think these conversations are much worth taking a look into so you can truly understand that how and what you say can make the difference in a blink of an eye.

If you want to get yourself a copy, go to Conversation Demolitions and download the PDF. I read all 92 pages over the weekend and it’s a great read. You’ll learn a lot.

And while you're at it, take a look at Mark's new site. He's going to be doing major things this year.

What's Been Going On With Me

So as I am making changes all over the place (see above video), I would not want to have you thinking that I am not putting out interesting content. I am...but at other places!

Recently, I have been picked up by TSBMagazine to start a weekly column called, "Ask Your Wingman." Basically, the concept is Sex and the City meets Dear Abby. I will let your imaginations go with that but I think it's a great concept and one that is perfect for me. It will be posted every Thursday and I started two weeks ago. Here are the two that I wrote:

Making the Move and Then Some...

Don't Take Anyone's Shit

This segment is meant to push the boundaries a little bit and get people to think and feel a certain way. I am sure I will make enemies and friends here. But hey, that's what creating interesting content can get you.

The second site I was "picked up" by was Pick-up Evolution. This site has always been one of my favorites because they promote self-improvement and personal development beyond "being great with women." There are only two guys producing the quality content (Legend & Edge) and I am excited to be the third contributor to the party. Here was my introductory post:

Setting Goals and Having Only Two Expectations

And yes, I will be continuing to produce contect here at Project Infinity. In fact, I do have some stuff to talk about so look for that in the coming week.

As a totally shameless self-promo, you can also check out my new video blog teTV (short for Thomas Edwards TV), which takes place mostly in my car. Some good stuff will be coming out of that too!

If you are still confused about the changes I made here, be sure to take a look at the video above as I give a very silly walkthrough of what I changed.

I appreciate the continuous support and please keep sending me feedback and things that you would like to see. It's finally starting to come together and I am excited for the time when I am settled in all of this.

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Changes Coming to Project Infinity

It's amazing to think that this blog started not even seven months ago. Looking back, I had hoped for success lke this but it was nothing I couldn't fully understand just because, well to be honest, I've never had such a great sequence of fortunate events like this before. I am so grateful to have the support of my family and friends (like you) to help me continue to push myself and not let up. But I am going to avoid getting mushy with you in order to get to the real reason why I am posting this.

With the increase in traffic and demand of this blog, I am going to introduce some changes in both the aesthetic and content department of Project Infinity. When I first started Project Infinity, I had this vision of being able to cover all things about lifestyle, self-improvement and appreciating the little things in life that we take for granted. Although ambitious, I think I did a decent job of providing that content for you to an extent. For those who were around at the beginning, you probably remember me wanting to do things like review wine, test drive cars, do video reviews of nightclubs and bars, talk about fitness and health, and all of these great things. Eventually, I focused on dating, fashion, style and lifestyle creation and that went pretty well. Having an operation where you are the only one can become overwhelming at times, and I'll be the first to admit that not reaching personal expectations can be frustrating for me - but you gotta roll with the punches, right?

But things are going to change for me. I will be tackling a new project with a completely new brand focused specifically on dating, women and different levels of fashion. Project Infinity will continue to cover those topics as well, but I am stedily going to expand. As you may have noticed, I brought back the Lifestyle section. I wanted to cover ways you can create a great lifestyle for yourself that is attractive to others. There will be some personal stories in there so you can see how I have been able to achieve a better lifestyle for myself. I am also going to slowly introduce some other things to like sports, wine, fitness and health, and a few book reviews as well. I do plan on having guests and guest writers on occasion to help fill out the content on these new sections and these guests are ALL VERY COOL people.

There will be subtle physical changes to the site to make it easier to navigate and appeal to a mass crowd since I'm bringing in more traffic.

I will offer consulting through my site here again soon but I just need to get logisitics together with that.

I have recently started consulting with women and with perception of change in the direction to the site, I DO NOT want women to fell as though they've been forgotten, I am actually going to rebuild the Women section of the site and actually gear it toward women. They have questions too and I'll do what I can to answer them as I continue to teach myself more about female psychology and what I like to call, "the other side of the relationship."

If you follow me on Twitter, you will know that I started a new video blog called teTV (short for thomasedwardsTV). It's pretty much going to be me blogging from my car as I drive around town. There is no theme - just what I am thinking at the time. It's been fun and if you like comedy, you should check it out.

I will announce my new project in a few weeks when it's officially up and running. It's such an and you might be able to be a part of it if you're interested. More details to come.

I will also be changing my Twitter name at some point to reflect the new brand. I could just change it now but I haven't made the necessary action to - in other words, I've been part hesitant (fear of losing recognition) and part lazy.

And that is it for now. I'll keep you posted as these changes happen and hopefully I will continue to have your support as Project Infinity grows into an uncontrollable beast that must be stopped. Well, maybe not uncontrollable...

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A Quick Refresh on How to Be A Gentleman

I found this article on AskMen and I thought to myself, "this is perfect. If guys can start being conscious of these things more (including myself), we'll be well on our way to fulfilling the campaign for the Year of the Gentleman."

Well, I didn't think that exactly, but I thought it would a great article for men to read on how to better treat a woman. Most of the actions may seem little. Believe me when I say this, women notice them. Almost ALL of them.

So here is the article, but I am going to put this list down here.

#10 walk on the outside (of the sidewalk)
#9 let her sit down first
#8 watch your language
#7 carry the umbrella
#6 walk/drive her home
#5 offer your jacket
#4 offer your seat
#3 turn off your phone @ THE TABLE (preferably in front of her)
#2 introduce her
#1 hold (open) the door

I could elaborate on these but AskMen does a good job with that.

Are there others that should be added?

One thing that I'd like someone to counter with is proper gestures of a woman. Only because I can not stand when a woman using her phone while on a date and it's like they either don't care or aren't aware of it. It's just not acceptable. So great after that rant, I just started it off.

#1 turn off your phone in front of him

Any more?

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