approach anxiety

Nights with Steve: Drinking

This continues my Nights with Steve series. To learn more about this series, click here.


I remember when I first heard my dad explain to his friends what I did for a living.

“He gets paid to drink.”

After an attempt to correct him, he modified it.

“He gets paid to go out with people and drink with them.”

A failed attempt.

Regardless, drinking does happen when I’m out with clients. When you go to a bar, it’s 100% designed for you to spend money -- mostly on drinks. Over the course of a night, drinks will be a major factor in how you act around people. From “liquid courage” to buying a round for the ladies across the bar, I’ve seen it all.

Then there are some who take it to the next level. Steve likes to drink as much as the next guy, but when he gets nervous around women, he tends to drink a lot in order to ease his anxiety.

In theory, it works, but what happens after is what you would tend -- or wish -- to forget.

On a recent session out with Steve, he was having a hard time approaching women. He’s had success before but just couldn’t get himself in the right state of mind that night. He decided he needed a have a drink to calm his nerves.

After a rum and coke, he was able to successfully approach the first woman of the night. I can see the gears turn in his head; he equated having a drink as the means to approach women. I warned him while working together, it’s important to limit drinking so you can better understand what you’re learning and control the sober version of you in a social-charged environment like a bar or lounge.

For the sake of transparency, when I work with clients, we agree to limit our drinking to two drinks a session to really push you in your "sober" mindset. Steve understood that but because he thought having drinks would help his success with women, he couldn’t give it up.

The more he drank, the looser he was, and the more he approached women. The guy became an approaching phenom. Women were responding well and he was getting excited. Things were going great.

Then, the night took a gradual turn as Steve began to get drunk. His words began to slur. His body language became poor as he was hunched over and projected lower energy. Also, his selection of quality, compatible women degraded as his judgment did.

While we were talking with a group of women, eventually, one was repulsed by how he was acting and told him to get away. A little belligerent at this point, Steve said some not so nice things in response. What happened marked the first time I’ve seen a guy physically get pushed out of an interaction with a group of women. I walked over to ask the ladies what happened.

“He was drunk and sloppy -- not a sexy look. How are you able to handle your liquor and he can’t?”

“I don’t rely on liquor to have a good time,” I responded and walked away to look after Steve.

When I approached him, I didn’t even have to open my mouth before he told me, “dude, I’m not drinking when we’re working together anymore.”

When we drink, the alcohol taps into our subconscious and brings out who we think is the best version of ourselves -- and in a few cases, this is true. We’re less uptight, more confident, and social. But with every upside of drinking, it comes with its fair share of side effects.

Impaired judgment, loss of coordination, inability to articulate words and maintaining posture -- wouldn’t it be better to learn how to be that awesome confident person sober, while avoiding the side effects of being drunk? As you get used to being in socially-pressured environments, you soon realize that alcohol has ZERO effect on your ability to approach and connect with women. YOU DO.

This isn't meant to be a public service announcement. But if there's anything you can learn from Steve, don’t let alcohol be your crutch when meeting women or working on your social skills. It’ll end up not only hurting your development, but also your wallet and regrettably, your head in the morning.

Nights with Steve: Approaching Women

The other night, I went out with Steve. To prevent outing who Steve is, I won’t reveal any specifics or logistics of where we went but only one thing is important here.

There were a lot of women around.

What’s always funny to me is seeing the kinds of excuses guys will make, holding them back from approaching women. Here is a sample of excuses I heard that night.

The Winning Mindset

I get a lot of people asking me about confidence. The most important thing to understand is confidence is an emotion.

Because it's not tangible, confidence is not something you can “acquire.” It’s something you grow and like a muscle, it can either get stronger or weaker.

There are two key states that determine your success approaching and attracting women.

Monday Maverick: Guys Talking To Guys

There's no way this guy is cool enough to be with both. Remember that.Every Monday I’ll be giving tips on different perspectives on dating that will “free Your mind.” Like a true Maverick, I’ll give an unorthodox approach to everyday scenarios that will help you in your dating life and potentially beyond.

Talking to guys who are with women

This past weekend, I was out with female friends and one thing I’ve noticed was many guys would approach them and very few would succeed. The one commonality I saw between those who did and those who didn’t was simple.

The guys who succeeded approached me first.

Seems weird, right? Let’s think about it.

I double dare you.


2011 Dating & Lifestyle Kickstart Guide Overview (Part 3 of 4). If you'd like to follow along from the beginning, please check out the introductory videopart 1 and part 2 of the overview.

Here is a story of a client who really didn’t want to work with me.

I have friends and other people who will tell me they know someone who could use my services. I always appreciate people who will go to unusual lengths to help out a friend. For those who are serious about helping out their friend, I have them bring their friend out to meet me over drinks and something I call, a “reverse intervention.”