social anxiety

I double dare you.


2011 Dating & Lifestyle Kickstart Guide Overview (Part 3 of 4). If you'd like to follow along from the beginning, please check out the introductory videopart 1 and part 2 of the overview.

Here is a story of a client who really didn’t want to work with me.

I have friends and other people who will tell me they know someone who could use my services. I always appreciate people who will go to unusual lengths to help out a friend. For those who are serious about helping out their friend, I have them bring their friend out to meet me over drinks and something I call, a “reverse intervention.”

How Porn Will Keep Me in Business

While the title was funny and made you want to click on it, what this post addresses is a serious issue with many men.

There have been many connections made between porn and sexual anxiety. The theory is that the more you masturbate to porn, the less likely you’ll be successful in dating. How can this really be true?

For starters, think about the access of porn today. It wasn’t that many years ago the only way to get porn was through torrents (risking computer viruses) or buying a subscription service (there’s a reason why porn makes more money than most countries in the world). Today, you can go to many FREE sites and gain access to MILLIONS OF HOURS of videos, appeasing to any fetish you’re into. Instant gratification has always been a huge propeller for any type of modern-day satisfaction, including dating itself. Remember that as you continue to read.

Take a look at the scientific approach. When you orgasm, you release a high level of dopamine. When you recover from that high, your level of happiness and satisfaction decrease quite significantly, which could answer why some partners like to cuddle after sex (emotional security can be a tie to low dopamine levels). When you’re off that high and you realize that you’re alone - with enough repetition - it can lead to a road of potential depression.

Once in this mode, it becomes tougher to do anything, let alone meet new people. It almost feels like a chore because you lose fulfillment in the emotion of meeting new people and potential mates. So your lack of effort leads you to feeling bad but then you can get the instant gratification of going home and beating off to some porn to feel better again - only to NOT feel better in the long run. 

See the cycle?

Psychiatrists even believe there is a strong connection. Norman Doidge, author of The Brain That Changes Itself, thinks the intense stimuli (high dopamine) of today’s porn takes over parts of people’s brains that would associate socializing as the more rewarding activity. Actual people becomes less rewarding and fake people become more enticing. This kind of intense stimuli is easily comparable to drinking excess alcohol and eating food (to relieve different kinds of pain, both physical and emotional).

If porn and masturbation are consumed triggering this “high and low” often enough, you may desensitize yourself. Once you get used to it, more natural things like meeting a new person, acting on your curiosity about an interesting woman, become less fruitful. In other words, you don’t want to meet women, socialize or do anything of value because it would require more work then just masturbating and getting the same feeling.

Naturally, people who aren’t used to socializing or may have problems meeting women are more likely to suffer from this issue. When you become isolated from potential solutions, you tend to try to “handle things in-house.” That’s where this whole talk about “porn addiction” comes into play. It sounds ridiculous but do something enough, it becomes a habit and habits are difficult to break.

You can take a look at a couple examples of how this can affect people. The first one is a PDF of a bunch of people explaining their stories. The second one is a small forum with one guy asking about this connection, sparking a quick surge in a conversation people were too afraid to start.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying masturbating is bad. It’s totally natural and there have been links to possibly reducing your risk of prostate cancer. But like most things, it should consumed in moderation. It can severely get in the way of your ability to meet women and maintain relationships, especially if porn and masturbation becomes a habitual activity.

On the flipside, people do find it easier to not only meet and attract women but also have sex with more mates when they shut themselves off from porn and cut back on masturbation.

So does when you have a professional wingman.

I'm really curious to know what other people think.