Nights with Steve: Approaching Women

The other night, I went out with Steve. To prevent outing who Steve is, I won’t reveal any specifics or logistics of where we went but only one thing is important here.

There were a lot of women around.

What’s always funny to me is seeing the kinds of excuses guys will make, holding them back from approaching women. Here is a sample of excuses I heard that night.

“She’s by the chip bowl grabbing some bites.” When she stepped away from the bowl, he never approached.

“They’re with two dudes.” When the guys left and she was with her friend, he never approached.

“I want to do a lap.” We never did a lap because I don’t allow it. It’s stupid.

“We never did a lap in the bar because I don’t allow it. It’s stupid.” Tweet this.

“I need to get a drink first.” That is fine with me. But even after getting a drink, it still took him about 50 minutes -- and another drink -- before approaching someone.

After about an hour, he approached his first group of women. It was going well and when I joined after a minute, he was able to focus his attention to the woman he was interested in.

He got her number, and you can see his confidence growing.

He approached two more groups of women that night, getting just one more number, but in his eyes, it was a successful night.

There was a lot of work in between his approaches that made his future ones more successful. Here are a few keys that made it happen for him and can work for you as well.

There’s no perfect time to approach 

The more excuses you make, the less likely you’ll want to approach someone. The reality is, those excuses don’t exist -- literally, they don’t exist. They’re all stories you’re making up in your head, allowing them to dictate your true reality. Stop it.

And while we’re on it, let’s be specific about one thing. If you’re at a good bar, event, or social venue, 9 times out of 10, unless it’s a sporting event, there will be more women than guys. Immediately, you already have an advantage, regardless of the quality that's there.

And even with the amount of guys that will be there, 90% of them are standing around, waiting for their “perfect time to approach.” And the other 10%? Conservatively, 3% of them are boyfriends / husbands / brothers.

Lesson: Be the 7%. Be active.

Be more conscious of what your body is doing 

Whenever Steve got nervous, I noticed he’d have his hands in his pockets, which would slouch his shoulders and he’d hold his glasses up close to his chest, which did two things.

1. It caused him to drink more since it was closer to his mouth, which when you do it often enough, becomes a nervous habit.

2. It made him look visibly nervous, which typically isn’t attractive to women.

Although the adjustments were simple, they made a huge difference in his projected confidence. 

Lesson: First, if you can’t keep your hands at your sides, let your thumb rest on the pocket and keep the rest of your hand outside. Second, leave your drink to your side as well.

Both, will improve your posture, make you appear more relaxed -- especially, in an environment where most people aren’t doing that (look around next time, hint hint) -- and most importantly, you’ll drink less.

PROTIP: If you do the same thing with your back pockets, it’ll actually roll your shoulders back, causing you to stick out your chest and better your posture. Practice in the mirror and you’ll see a significant difference.

Your nervousness will never go away

But that's a great thing. In fact, if it wasn’t there, it's likely that woman isn’t very attractive. Don’t ever let anyone tell you they can get rid of your “approach anxiety” or make you “fearless.” That’s not real and they're lying to you.

What matters is what you do AFTER you feel that nervousness or anxiety. Those moments are what will define your character -- and lead you to more success in your dating life.

Props to Steve.