Style Series - Layering

I am kicking off this Style Series by talking about one of the more daunting tasks men are afraid to figure out.

Adding layers to what you wear.

Now unless it’s a million degrees out, you should be trying to layer your outfits. There are plenty of benefits besides looking amazing.

If you are a skinny guy, adding layers actually fills out your body more. On the heavier side? Adding a jacket or a sweater will cover up the excess and thin you out.

It could be as simple as wearing a sweater over a button-down or a vest over a graphic tee. Or you could make it a little more complex by adding another jacket on top of that.

As long as you layer in a way that is a compliment to the other things you are wearing, I guarantee that you’ll be dressed better than 80% of the people out there. Trust me. Most guys in the U.S. still don't do this. So get ahead of the game.

Here are some decent examples.

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Giving and Taking: The Win/Win or No Deal Philosophy of Relationships

This is the last part of a series that I have been doing about the different paradigms of human interaction and relationships.

These paradigms are based on Stephen Covey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Here are the other parts of the series.

Win/Win
Win/Lose
Lose/Win
Lose/Lose
Win
Win/Win or No Deal

We are going to end with the Win/Win or No Deal philosophy.

“I only want to go for Win/Win. I want to win, and I want you to win. I wouldn’t want to get my way and have you not feel good about it, because downstream it would eventually surface and create a withdrawal. On the other hand, I don’t think you would feel good if you got your way and I gave in. So let’s work for a Win/Win. Let’s really hammer it out. And if we can’t find it, then let’s agree that we won’t make a deal at all. It would be better not to deal than to live with a decision that wasn’t right for us both. Then maybe another time we might be able to get together.”

The whole concept of Win/Win or No Deal is usually best applied to business relationships but in the kind of reality you’d like to create, anything less than Win/Win is not going to be beneficial to long-term relationships. What is hard in relationships is being able to accept the No Deal, because we confuse that as Lose/Lose. Being able to have this mentality requires a very high level of maturity, understanding and a great deal of listening and communication skills.

If you get a grasp on this, you will achieve such a level of emotional freedom and avoid so many conflicts down the road. This mentality also can be applied to the beginning stages of any relationship to give you the same emotional freedom and make you no longer needy.

Using the elements of Win/Win, if you can’t come to a good resolution, you should be able to accept No Deal and find an alternative. While great at the beginning of a relationship, it becomes harder and harder to accept a No Deal, especially when more feelings and emotional investment are involved. This is where compromise comes in. While compromise – which can be considered a secondary level of Win/Win – may appear to be Win/Win, it tends to end up being Win/Lose or Lose/Win in reality.

Of course, there will be times in a relationship when No Deal cannot work. For example, if she REALLY needs you for something and it could be very inconvenient for you but you know what? You have to do it, because you care for her and want her to be happy. Instead of thinking about how inconvenient it is and how that negative thinking makes you unhappy, reframe it and think about how happy she’ll be, how much fun you MAY have and how she’ll reward you down the road. Keeping that frame of mind will not make situations seem terrible, because in hindsight, it’s not.

Plus, you care about her, right? Part of that is being able to do selfless acts for the greater good.

If you haven’t realized by now, obviously all of these philosophies are not set in stone and there is some leeway, as many other things in life – but it requires maturity, integrity and self-control to acknowledge the give some things have.

In the end, this whole Giving & Taking series is all about knowing how the pieces fit in a relationship. You have to know what and how much you are willing to give to your significant other and what you are ready to accept from her. It’s about sacrifice. It’s about understanding. It’s about making time. It’s about giving yourself. It’s about learning. It’s about growing together. It’s about disagreements. It’s about resolution. It’s about…everything.

I write those things and I think of my girlfriend. She embodies everything that I want in a woman and the best part is that I feel more like myself at this time more than any time in the past few years. She is growing to become more than just something to me. She’s becoming everything to me. And as I wrote this series, she was always in the back of my mind, wondering about how well we do together. She’s amazing and although it’s still early, I hope you guys (and girls) can read this, possibly learn something (I’ve learned a lot writing this) and you can find something even remotely close to what I have now because let me tell you something.

It’s incredible.

This caps the Giving & Taking series here at Project Infinity. I would love to hear feedback, questions and comments you may have. If you’d like to contact me, feel free to send me an email.

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Giving and Taking: The Win Philosophy of Relationships

This is a part of a new series that I am doing about the different paradigms of human interaction.

These paradigms are based on Stephen Covey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. So far we have done,

Win/Win
Win/Lose
Lose/Win
Lose/Lose
Win
Win/Win or No Deal

Today we are talking about the Win philosophy.

“People with the Win mentality don’t necessarily want someone else to lose. That’s irrelevant. What matters is that they get what they want.”

This is more of an interesting mentality because it’s easier to use when there isn’t any contest or competition but in relationships, how can this even work?

Well, it’s not really something you see used in relationships because there is always a level of consideration of the other person, whether fully or not at all. Win is more of an independent mentality. As long as I get mine, that’s all that matters. Everyone else can fend for themselves.

Wait, I take that back. There are times when the Win mentality is used in a relationship. As a man, one of your responsibilities is to be able to physically protect your mate and make sure she is safe. If she is in danger, you are going to do whatever it takes to make sure she is safe and secure. There isn’t a win or lose for you and everyone else’s fate doesn’t necessarily matter to you. Your girl is the priority.

Use that example – which is actually a rare but not extreme one – to think about other times when you place yourself and others out of the equation because your girl takes precedence.

Just keep in mind that sacrificing yourself for your girl doesn’t automatically make it just Win. The key difference between Win and Win/Lose is that with Win, you’re not worried about how that win affects others. With Win/Lose, even if it includes you, you ARE worried about how that win affects others (or you).

See the difference? Confused? Ask questions. We’ll wrap up this series tomorrow with the Win/Win or No Deal.

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Giving and Taking: The Lose/Lose Philosophy of Relationships

This is a part of a new series that I am doing about the different paradigms of human interaction.

These paradigms are based on Stephen Covey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. So far we have done,

Win/Win
Win/Lose
Lose/Win
Lose/Lose
Win
Win/Win or No Deal

Today we are talking about the Lose/Lose philosophy.

“When two determined, stubborn, ego-invested individuals interact, the result will be Lose/Lose. Both will lose. Both will become vindictive and want to “get back” or “get even,” blind to the fact that murder is suicide, that revenge is a two-edged sword.”

Here, when you are so focused on making sure that the other person lose that you don’t even care if it affects you, both parties will lose. This philosophy is one that used in revenge, war and serious conflicts. In relationships, of all of the mentalities to have, this is the one you want the least.

A hard situation you may come across in a relationship is when your significant other is miserable. Maybe something happened to them that made them really unhappy. He or she may be so miserable or angry that they don’t care about anyone else’s happiness because they would rather wallow in their own misery – or even worse, make people feel the same misery that they do. Depending on the circumstance, that can be a sign of dependency and lack to inner guidance. They may need the failure or misery of others in order to make them feel better (remember, it all depends on the circumstance. I would hope that you can use your better judgement to realize what circumstances may make this situation different).

You can’t let that happen. You stick to your mentality and try to help them bounce back. If they respond negatively – either to try to bring you down with them, doesn’t want you around or if they just don’t want to hear it – then maybe the best thing to do is to give him or her space and have him or her gather her thoughts properly, assuring them that you are there for them. The last thing you want to do is keep this Lose/Lose mentality for any period of time in a relationship.

Needless to say, it’s very detrimental to the future to you two staying together.

Four down, two to go. Let me know your thoughts about this series and how it could possibly be better to help you.

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Style/Fashion Series Preview

It's been a while since I talked about Fashion and general style here on Project Infinity. I am bringing it back but this time with concepts that guys need to be aware of to make sure they are looking good EVERYDAY they go out.

After this series, you'll be able to make sweatpants look amazing!

Well, maybe not, but you'll certainly up your fashion game.

Things like CPW (cost per wear), layering, accents and fabric aren't only for women to know. Be prepared, have an open mind and you'll be looking better in just a few days!

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Some Weekend Words of Encouragement

I hope you guys are enjoying the Giving and Taking Series. It’s been a lot of fun and I will continue it on Monday and wrap it up at the end of the week.

But for tonight and this Memorial Day weekend, I wanted to give you some notes that I have in my iPhone. It inspired me to write this and I hope it can help you with something this weekend.

These are just some solid points that I kept reading to myself over several months to battle any fears I had about failing, rejection, meeting women and trying to do new things in my life.

Imagine yourself successful. Nothing positive will ever happen if you can’t even think that it could happen. Spend time to think about the desired outcome as detailed as possible. If it’s about dating, think about how awesome you’re going to look this weekend and the kinds of women or men you’ll be talking to. Think about how each interaction will be successful in one way or another. Maybe with one you’ll get a phone number and in another, you two will go to a different bar and have a mini-date where things can be more intimate. Whatever you want, make sure you can actually imagine the success happening.

Reflect on past success. When it comes to dating, whether it was “luck” or not, most of you have been successful with getting a number, or a kiss or even a boy/girlfriend. It has happened before and it can happen again. Think about some of the things that you did that made it easy for you to get that number or kiss. If you can’t remember that, then think about the qualities about you that made him or her attracted to you. Don’t make it seem like you haven’t done this “dating thing” before. Most of you have and were successful. You’re just trying to create a level of consistency.

Set definite goals. When you go out tonight, have some clear objectives. Maybe for tonight, you want to find someone that you’re into and get his or her number. After that, you’ll want to follow up with him or her tomorrow and set up a date for Sunday. That’s just an example, but your goals should be pretty straightforward.

At the same time, don’t go out with these bottled up intentions because it will show through your body language and your conversations. Just keep them in the back of your mind as you’re interacting with people, check up on yourself every once in a while to see how you’re doing.

In the end, this is all a learning experience.

Respond positively to life. Being positive and just going out not only to learn but also to have fun is a huge to finding your success. At the end of the night, you still have yourself and the life that you’re living is something no one else can take from you.

Go out, have fun and no matter what, stay positive.

I’ll end this with a quote that was at the end of my notes. It’ll pretty much explain everything.

“Our only limitations are those we set up in our own minds.”

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Giving and Taking: The Lose/Win Philosophy of Relationships

This is a part of a new series that I am doing about the different paradigms of human interaction.

These paradigms are based on Stephen Covey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. So far we have done,

Win/Win
Win/Lose
Lose/Win
Lose/Lose
Win
Win/Win or No Deal

Today we are talking about the Lose/Win philosophy.

“Win/Lose has no standards – no demands, no expectations, no vision. People who think Lose/Win are usually quick to please or appease. They seek strength from popularity or acceptance. They have little courage to express their own feelings and convictions and are easily intimidated by the ego strength of others.”

This is the opposite of Win/Lose, obviously, instead of showing selfishness, you are showing selflessness – but on an extreme. The Lose/Win mentality is the one that lets people take advantage of you. You avoid confrontation and just let things happen because you want to preserve the peace as much as possible, it much as may hurt you, in the long run.

You know who loves these people? Obviously, it’s the people with the Win/Lose mentality. They feed off of you just to boost their egos, have the upper hand, and take advantage of you to get what they want. And you know what Lose/Win people do? They give in. They give up.

So let’s see here, how can I put this in a way that can drive it home really well?

Lose/Win guys are the “nice guys that finish last.”

In relationships, the Lose/Win will do whatever it takes to prevent fights and please his or her mate. He will sacrifice his identity for the sake of the relationship. It’s probably one of the worst mentalities to have in a relationship. And it’s not just because you give up all the time. It goes much deeper than that.

By letting this go, not expressing their feelings and allowing themselves to get taken advantage of, Lose/Win people hold EVERYTHING inside. You can’t possibly think these feelings won’t resurface later on, right? They may come back in the relationship as a total lashing out against your significant other. It can come back as an internal beatdown. It’ll crush your self-esteem and completely lower your sense of self-worth not just to your mate but also to the world around you. Your relationships will deteriorate to nothing if you just accept the Lose/Win mentality. People will take so much from you that there will be nothing left to take from you.

Both Win/Lose and Lose/Win mentalities drive themselves from personal insecurities created from past events and it’s so easy to go between the two. The perfect example given in the book goes something like this.

The Win/Lose starts as selfishness and inconsideration then goes into guilt and loss of courage as Lose/Win then frustration and anger sets in and in a fit of rage, a more aggressive Win/Lose mentality kicks in. Either mentality will not be good for a long-term relationship.

In the end, you have to battle your inner demons and resolve issues of the past in order to clear your mind and be truly ready to embrace the Win/Win mentality.

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UStream Session Postponed...

...until next Friday.

Due to some problems at my second job, I will not be able to do my live session on Approach Anxiety this Friday at 6PM.

But I will have my session next Friday, for sure. It'll probably start at 7PM. Just wanted everyone to be aware of this change.

Giving and Taking: The Win/Lose Philosophy of Relationships

This is a part of a new series that I am doing about the different paradigms of human interaction in relationships.

These paradigms are based on Stephen Covey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. So far we have done,

Win/Win
Win/Lose
Lose/Win
Lose/Lose
Win
Win/Win or No Deal

Today we are talking about the Win/Lose philosophy.

“Win/Lose is the authoritarian approach: ‘I get my way; you don’t get yours.’ Win/Lose people are prone to use position, power, credentials, possessions, or personality to their way.”

Most people feel as though they are in that kind of relationship already so they inherently have that mentality most of the time. It’s a very common mentality to have since we are raised from birth to compete with everyone and everything. Even in some of our families, you may have had to compete with your siblings for the attention of your parents.

In school, you were given a grade because you were compared to other students in the class. The “A” was the benchmark and if you got anything less than that, you practically was told, “you’re not as good as this student.”

At work, you may be competing to meet numbers so you can get a bonus. Not everyone can make those numbers. So while some of your co-workers are splurging on an island Christmas vacation, you’re wondering what he did to meet the numbers and how come you can't get a bonus.

You lose.

The idea of being conditionally rewarded in a relationship is a difficult topic. From the intial approach, you have to earn the trust and love of your significant other. If you do certain things, you will slowly gain the trust of your mate. But here lies the difference. If you are constantly being tested and reward for your actions - several months, years down the rad - then you are still in that Win/Lose dynamic. Eventually, you will want to get into a Win/Win dynamic. This is where conflict occurs.

The reason why is because by taking the Win/Lose method, you are deeming someone invaluable or lovable. As a result, he or she will have to constantly validate him or herself with their actions and never feel secure with internal validations from you.

Make sense?

I remember my ex-girlfriend – God bless her soul – was the embodiment of the Win/Lose mentality. If she didn’t get her way, it would be hell for everyone, even for those who cared about her. I realized that it wasn’t her fault. How she was raised and the kind of environment that she grew up in caused her to be that way. In the end, it wasn’t healthy for me in the long run, no matter how much I wanted to be with her at the time. You can’t approach a relationship with a Win/Win attitude and expect someone to change from his/her Win/Lose habits. Just doesn’t work like that. It takes communication, patience and consideration – if you think it’s worth it. I would constantly push to make her happy because I didn’t want to see her in any emotional pain. In the end, I was on the losing side more often than not.

We’ll get into that tomorrow.

Obviously there is a time and place for Win/Lose situations in life, such as sports, law, perhaps, and video games. Never in a relationship. Basically you are saying that you have a low level of trust for that person and isn’t trust one of the pillars that keeps a relationship intact long-term?

I make sure I let my girlfriend know that I am in it for Win/Win all the time. When we both have that approach, it makes it so much easier to work together to make us both happy. That's why it's important to be a good team in your relationship.

Competition is healthy in a relationship if you are making your significant other a better person and it doesn’t affect him or her negatively. But don’t use it to gain an upper hand or unnecessary leverage over someone you supposedly care about.

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