Giving and Taking Series Introduction

This is a new series I'm starting and I’d like to thank my girlfriend for giving me the idea.

I think this is a great topic when it comes to building and maintaining relationships, especially with those you care about.

We all have had this thought that goes through our minds when it comes to how much we should give and how much we should take, preventing being a taken advantage of or being the one taking advantage.

Then on the flipside, disagreements or conflicts of interests can happen and there needs to be an appropriate resolution to move the relationship forward.

And yes, I do mean sometimes, doing things that we may not want to do necessarily. But I do believe that there is a good way to go about it where you won’t actually be in a position where you’ll be doing something you don’t want to do. It’ll require an open mind and a genuine interest in the other person.

Are you ready?

Here is the analogy that I am going to use. For this, I am going to thank Stephen Covey and his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. A great read it you want to learn about making your life and the relationships you have more efficient and more fulfilling.

In learning how to become more interdependent and taking on a bigger leadership role in my industry, my life and other’s lives, through this book, I learned the Six Paradigms of Human Interaction. Here they are:

Win/Win
Win/Lose
Lose/Win
Lose/Lose
Win
Win/Win or No Deal

I am going to talk about each paradigm, the frame of mind that is necessary in order to get the result and why each one is good or bad to have in a relationship. I am very excited about this one as well.

Tomorrow, we will start with the best one, Win/Win and how it’s possible to get that result more times than you think, without compromising anyone’s value in the relationship.

So while you look forward to that beginning tomorrow, I am still going to share with you some content with you.

You can check out my TSBMagazine segment Ask Your Wingman where last week I answered some interesting questions and talked about things going on in my second job.

My consulting company, The Professional Wingman has been updated with services specifically designed for men and women and I also have a media page where you can see some panels that I have been on where I give some good stuff.

This past Friday I tried out giving away free Twitter consultation regarding dating and lifestyle. Judging by the response, it was a huge success! Thank you for all of the feedback and I believe it will be a nice weekly thing.

Also, I would like to get back on the live tip. Something that I am going to try is having a live forum jam on Friday at 6 PM on UStream. It will be mostly open forum where you can ask me any question you’d like about dating, lifestyle and fashion. To guarantee some structure to this jam, I will talk about approach anxiety and give you some free tips that you can use that night when you go out!

I’m pumped about this and I hope you are too. Just trying my best to give you all what you need!

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New Series Coming Soon...

With updates and whatnot.

Elements of Communication: Element #5: Actually Communicating

This is the last installment of my Elements of Communication series, where I talk about the importance of communication in a relationship – or any interaction, for that matter. Here are all of the elements so you can always reference them:

Element #1 – Having an Opinion
Element #2 – Being Willing to Give Space & Trust
Element #3 – Listening
Element #4 – Telling the Truth
Element #5 – Actually Communicating

Very typical of me to produce such profound observations, huh?

This actually was inspired by a sequence of events that happened the other day. At my second job, there was a miscommunication between two co-workers of mine in determining the schedule – specifically my schedule – for this week. The miscommunication? Well, the base of it all is that no one communicated. I was told one story, that they were going to follow-up with me and confirm.

Nothing happened.

When I showed up for what was supposed to be my first workday of the week, I was greeted with blank stare and question clouds over people’s heads. So, being screwed over, in terms of hours, they try to remedy the situation, only to find out the next day that I have been scheduled to work in more than one location.

A couple of days later, I may have received well over 10 calls from 4 different people about the situation when I had nothing to do with the screw up. Everyone was talking to wrong people and it almost seemed like they were looking for someone to blame – namely me. Of course, I don’t tolerate that nonsense but to wrap up story, the hammer was dropped, those who messed up were given a talking to and I ended up working at the right location.

I’ll also briefly get into how planning the rest of the week went with these guys with the following line.

It was a disaster.

But anyway, the point here is not talk about my other job. I like working there and my co-workers are awesome. I just feel like they lack a very important quality when it comes to teamwork and, in this case, building and maintaining relationships.

The ability to actually communicate.

None of this would have happened if someone picked up the phone and talked to someone. Sounds vague but honestly, if one person called me or someone else who was involved or another person called the other person, everything would have been resolved.

When it comes to relationships, we have it SO easy these days.

We can call someone. Seems like most people don’t do that much anymore.

We can send a quick text. 10 seconds of your time and can save hours of worry. I am victim of forgetting this myself when it comes to letting certain people know of my whereabouts.

We can email. Another quick thing we can do to keep the communication lines open. Takes minimal time and just a few clicks. Probably one of the laziest but acceptable forms of communication.

We can tweet. Yup, I said it. It was reached the point now that public tweeting can be an acceptable method to let people know what’s up with you.

The important thing in the end is that we make an attempt to actually communicate. If we just stand around with our fingers in our ear and not try to say what we really mean, then how do you expect people to understand you? This is very important especially in disagreements or agruments. You have to be able to communicate how you feel in order for the other person to even get a sense of where you are coming from - whether your thinking is irrational or not. If you care enough, I urge you to give them the decency of saying something.

Maintain a flow of communication with people and watch how your relationships will progress. Sometimes, all it takes is a little reaching out.

I had a lot of fun developing this series and if you’d like me to talk about certain things, don’t hesitate to leave a comment or shoot me an email at the top of the page.

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Elements of Communication: Element #4: Telling the Truth

This is continuation of my Elements of Communication series, where I talk about the importance of communication in a relationship – or any interaction, for that matter. Here are the elements so far:

Element #1 – Having an Opinion
Element #2 – Being Willing to Give Space & Trust
Element #3 – Listening
Element #4 – Telling the Truth

This should really go without saying but let this be a refresher for you. You have no idea how telling the truth will get yourself out of SO much danger in the future.

I can understand if you are nervous about revealing something. Maybe you did something wrong, you’re embarrassed or you don’t want to hurt his or her feelings. In the long run, it is SO much better to just get the truth out of the way and suffer the immediate consequences – whatever they may be. There may not even be negative consequences – you are making that assumption based on judgment and pessimism and we all know how that usually ends.

If you know you did something bad that will hurt the other person, you are better off just telling them now. Who are you protecting, really? I’m not saying to rat people out – let them figure it out themselves. You know, it’s one thing to tell a lie and another to live one. If you are holding something back and you have to constantly protect that lie, you are really putting more things in jeopardy than you think.

Take it from someone who has been on the lying side before. It’s not worth it. When you can establish a relationship based on trust and honesty, at that point, you’ll REALLY be able to say to yourself and other people, “I can just talk to [him or her] about anything.” When you find that person, why would you ever want to lie?

And there is no more, “one lie and you’re out.” Lies will always compound. They will be continuous. And if you’re not careful, they will be harder to backtrack.

Yes, this is a tough thing. Wait a second. No, it’s not. Just tell the truth. Stop making excuses why telling the truth would be a bad idea. Accept your own consequences and put yourself out there.

If you do lie and you’re caught, your integrity will ALWAYS be in question and you may never get the “benefit of the doubt” ever again.

I realize that I am repeating myself in different ways here, but with something like this, it’s worth repeating. Most relationships lie on the foundation of trust and honesty. If you don’t have that, it’ll be tough to maintain a long-lasting relationship with anyone.

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Elements of Communication: Element #3: Listening

This is continuation of my Elements of Communication series, where I talk about the importance of communication in a relationship – or any interaction, for that matter. Here are the elements so far:

Element #1 – Having an Opinion
Element #2 – Being Willing to Give Space & Trust
Element #3 – Listening

Now this may not make sense to some because when we think about the basic form of communication, we think about expressing ourselves either by talking or some type of visual articulation. But none of what you say will mean anything if no one is listening. Some of the best times you communicate are when you shut your mouth, listen and pay attention to what’s being said.

If you don’t realize it by now, this post will be rather short and to the point.

When you can hear passion in someone’s voice or if you can tell someone wants to tell you something important, the best thing you can do is shut up, let them express themselves and listen.

If someone just needs to get some stuff off of their chest and are NOT looking for advice – maybe not even an opinion – shut up and listen. This one is especially important because if you can’t handle being someone’s soundboard, then don’t bother. You’ll be wasting their time and you might even heighten their frustration or complicate things.

Part of listening is actually being able to understand what someone says. If it requires you to repeat what they say or ask questions to better understand, then do so. The person speaking will appreciate that, knowing that you are listening.

It’s tough to keep your mouth shut when you have all of these opinions forming in your head as he or she is speaking but it takes a bigger person to keep them to themselves and only speak their mind when asked to.

If you are able to listen to what is being said – and the conversation calls for it – you can be able to say some very profound things. For example, if someone is talking to you and you can almost tell that they are “thinking out loud” or not sure of some things, if you are truly paying attention, you can help guide them to their understanding and have really good dialogue. You have no idea how much I have learned by being able to listen to people and share thoughts back and forth.

I think in the end to enhance things, you have to be able to just listen and pay attention to what’s being said. Many of what I just said, you already know, but how often do you really practice this? You’ll learn so much more and there are so many benefits that can come from just this simple but elusive ability.

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Elements of Communication: Element #2: Giving Space & Trust

I wrote this article in early January and it a response post. I loved this article and I wanted to add it to the Elements of Communication series. Here is the first one:

Element #1: Having an Opinion

And here is the article explaining Element #2: Giving Space & Trust

This is a follow-up post to lisaq’s post on 20-forty answering the question, “is it okay to go out with the girls or should couples always go out together?” You should read her post.

When I read this post, it brought me back to so many moments when that issue came up in my previous relationships. Whenever my girl would want to go out without me, there were so many different things that went on in my mind.

“Why does she want to go out somewhere without me? “

“What’s wrong with me that makes her not want me there?”

“I wonder what’s she is going to be doing since I’m not around. Actually, I wonder what her friends will make/let her do with me not there.”

Then the usual sequence of ideas goes from that to wondering what drunk idiots will do when they see my girl with her friends, without her man. And then what she would do. Needless to say, it would cause a lot of problems in my relationships. What I would confuse for showing how much I care and don’t want anything bad to happen to her was actually showing a lack of trust in her, her friends and most importantly, insecurities about myself.

Never again.

I think it’s important that we talk more about relationships, as it is very important not only to gain one but also to maintain a very healthy one. This is one issue that proves to be a deal-breaker. If you haven’t read my post about fulfilling a woman’s emotional needs, I highly suggest you give it a good read. By far, one of my best.

In any relationship, it is important to establish two important things – trust and space. Yeah, trust is a given but it’s so easy to give off the feeling that you don’t trust her inadvertently. That whole “not trusting the drunk guys out there” thing is a lame excuse (just like Lisa said). If you really trust her, you’ll also trust the fact that she’ll know how to handle those drunk men. And what if she gets drunk herself? If you have to worry about her actions being different when she’s drunk, then that is something that you will have to confront her with, but ONLY if you have seen or heard that she does things while drunk that can be questionable.

On the same note, I feel as though trust can be related to space. Most people have different test levels of trust. Sure, we can trust someone we like with some personal secrets, or with some of our personal belongings, and of course, our love, but then when it comes to being separated – even if for just a few hours – it becomes a different test of trust. If you feel good about your relationship and actually trust her, I think it’s good for both of you to have other things to do in each other’s lives that don’t involve the other person. A typical example is a girls’ night or a guys’ night. But other examples may have to do with hobbies that only you enjoy.

Remember in high school when you had your girl but you played a sport and had to dedicate a crapload of time practicing and playing your sport (for me, it was football)? Your girl wasn’t around that much – unless she went to see you play at a game, but still, she couldn’t talk to you until after the game was over. With practice everyday, you she rarely had a chance to see you. But, whenever she did have that chance to be with you, you could tell she really appreciated the time with you – and vice-versa. I strongly believe that you need to find something like that and continue to hold on to a good chunk of your world as you two slowly merge them together.

When I talk about building your life, making yourself interesting and doing things that YOU love to do, once you get into a relationship, that doesn’t mean that you have to give up any of those things. Logically speaking, if you did give up those things, you wouldn’t be interesting and you certainly wouldn’t be the attractive person that your girl fell head over heels with – which is not what you want to do, right? Plus, you won't feel obligated to have to do everything with your girl if you have other activities going on in your life (I don't see anything wrong with that, just as long as it doesn't interfere with your relationship.).

So if there is anything you take from this it should be a few things.

1. Read lisaq’s blog, 20-forty.

2. Allow your girl to have nights out with her friends and without you. If she doesn’t invite you, chances are it’s a girls’ thing and be ok with it. Give her the benefit that she has nothing up her sleeve. Don’t give yourself reason to doubt if she hasn’t done that for you, already.

3. In the meantime, go and have your poker nights or your beer and wings nights with your boys.

4. Make sure that you are still having a life and doing things that you love. Remember, your whole point of wanting to be with a woman may be to actually share those things about yourself with her. Not doing those things and changing your life would be counter-productive.

I’m sure we could get deeper into this but I’ll save this for another post.

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The Professional Wingman is Here!

 

So it's finally here! I am SO excited about this. I wanted to make my dating consulting fun and unlike many that is out there. I really feel like this is the way to do it. I present to you, the Professional Wingman.

It will serve as the extension of the Project Infinity brand and will be the center of my dating consulting services. For those that have been here from the beginning, my dating consulting hasn't changed. What I have added has been the "wingman" element. The wingman (me), will be the guy that helps enhance your nightlife right there with you. I'll be taking you out to places in Boston and we will rock out. I will help you meet women (and men for women who want this service) and give you real-time feedback as to how your interaction is going.

I have been working on this for a few months and I can confidently say that I have it down pat. My coaching, motivating and methods have provided very good results and now I can make this service public.

If you want to inquire about services, be sure to check out the Professional Wingman site.

I am TOO excited about this and as always, I am welcome to much feedback.

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Announcement Coming Soon

Something major will be going down in the next 72 hours.

Get the VIP Treatment (Part 2)

So to follow up on Thursday's post, here is what happened.

Bottle service can be a great thing but it is probably one of the most difficult things to handle in the nightlife. Making sure everyone pays you. Defending the booze from strangers who just want to be a part of the group. The simple organization of it all. I personally think that with quality people, it can work well. Fortunately, my buddy understands this and doesn't want to bother with it.

Now the great thing about this is I can tell the manager that we're not going to do the service - BUT we're still coming 20-30 deep anyway. He'll love that. He helped me, so I'm going to help him. Besides, in the summer, when it's MY birthday, he'll be more than willing to help me out.

So tomorrow night will be a good time.

In the end, you want to be able to be the guy that can bring fun, people, and business to a place. Business is key here, in my opinion. You can be a cool guy that people just want to be around. But if you can bring others into the mix, that's another thing. They'll want to make sure you keep spreading word about their place.

It's almost like being your own promoter. But instead of promoting the venue, you're, in essence, promoting your life.

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Get the VIP Treatment

I've mentioned many times before how it is important that you have a few spots in your area where you are a regular. If that requires you to go once or twice a week, then so be it. Creating a lifestyle takes time and commitment.

So if you've reached that point where you are a regular and you have befriended the bartenders and waiters then you should notice that you've been treated a little bit better. Maybe the bartender serves you quicker on busier nights or you get a few drinks "on the house." Not only are these things beneficial to you but your social circle as well. Remember the whole "giving value" thing? Yeah, they'll appreciate the fact that you get hooked up and are sharing that with them (and they'll tell their friends about it, too - increasing your popularity).

I don't take advantage of situations at all for my personal beenfit - but I love doing it for other people.

Case Study: My buddy's birthday.

I want to make sure that my buddy has a great time at a place where he wants to go. I also want him to be treated well at this particular venue. So using my strings, I have been able to get him a table for little to nothing for this weekend (pending we meet requirements and he decides that that's where he'd like to have his party). I'll give you a small breakdown of how I was able to pull this off.

Over the course of several months, whenever I go to this place, I brought different people every time. I always made friends with everyone that worked there and checked in on them every once in a while throughout the night. I always sent a text to the bouncers to make sure that the amount of people I was bringing was ok. Above everything else, I thanked EVERYONE when the night was over. And of course it should go without saying that the people that I bring here are always model citizens who have a good time and not cause trouble.

A couple of weeks prior to my buddy's birthday, I talked to the manager about possibly wanting to hold a party there since they've always treated me well. I pretty much told him that if I can bring a ridiculous amount of people there, would he be able to hook me up (the venue is pretty small so an amount of 30 people would be pretty substantial). He said that he'd look into it and when I have official numbers, he'll "make it happen."

I tried my best to keep in touch with him, letting him know of my progress and he appreciated it. Today, he finally said he'd hook me up so I'm pretty excited about that. Once my buddy says that he'd like to have the party there, if it's possible, maybe I'll surprise both my buddy and my manager and bring more people there. But we'll see.

In the end, the important thing about being treated like a VIP is building and maintaining relationships. Going to a place once a month isn't going to cut it. You have to be out there in the scene, "working hard."

I'll have a follow-up post here about how all of this worked out in the end.

And my next post will actually be about how who you know can make your lifestyle infinitely easier.

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