How to Date in Today's World

This is the third and final email I sent out to members of the Wingman Labs. Here's the first -- and the second. With the way dating (and people) have evolved over two decades, it's important to reassess whether your approach to dating is going to work with the kind of women you'd like to meet. If not, you should take time and think about whether or not a change is imminent.

The answer.

I’m sitting on a flight heading back to NYC, reading some of the responses I’ve received based on the emails I’ve sent out this week. I was supposed to send this yesterday but the reaction I received made me stop and think more about what was going on.

I’ve had people loving, hating, unsubscribing, sharing, and subscribing in such polarity it was fascinating. So I’d like to break down the specific strategies for both men and women now on how to actually have relationships with quality men and women. Ladies first.

Ladies, It’s really important to understand what guys have to go through in order to have you as a girlfriend. For many of my male readers here, that’s their ultimate goal -- it might even be to marry you. Mainstream society has dictated that the way to go about this is to take you out, and constantly prove his value to you until you “give in,” typically through materialistic things like money, toys, and gifts.

While I’m sure those things are nice, these guys haven’t been the ones you’ve “converted” into a relationship. The #1 reason amongst my female clients for why that happens is, “they didn’t feel a spark.” That spark most of them were talking about was physical chemistry that, when you think about it, is the jumpstart to any relationship.

The guys who my female clients DO feel more attracted to are the guys who understand the importance of physical chemistry -- and they push things toward that intimacy. It’s great to be with a guy who goes after what he wants, right? 

At times, the problem with this is once women go through the experience, they forget about the followthrough until it’s too late. These guys end up becoming as far from boyfriend material as possible. Realizing their “poor judgment,” they end the relationship and start the process back over again, thinking things will be different.

I’m here to tell you that what you’re attracted to will not change. You want a guy who knows what he wants. You want a guy to flirt with you and lead intimacy. You also want a guy who is nice, caring, considerate, will take you out, and get you flowers all the time. 

I get it -- if you want this guy, here’s how you get him. There are guys who will lead by showing you their boyfriend material and others who will show you they’re not by pushing toward intimacy. 

If you meet the former, make more attempts to open up to him physically by initiating the flirting to see how he responds. These guys tend to look for an OK to be flirty. And while that may not be ideal, I’d like you to consider this: he might just need that one sign and he’ll be good to go.

If you meet the latter, it’s OK to have your guard up a little but what you should focus on is his followthrough. If you know that the chemistry is great, look to see if he’s exhibiting other signs that can make him less of just an intimate connection and more long-term potential, like setting dates in advance, spending weekend time with you, and thoughtful tokens of appreciation or desire (flowers, your favorite candy, etc.).

For guys, it’s rather simple.

If you’re interested in her, express that genuine interest with intention to take her out on a date her as quickly as possible. If you are interested in her and want to see her again, tell her so and If you can see her within a few days, it’ll greatly improve your chances. No, it doesn’t come off desperate -- it comes off as a man who knows what he wants.

Keep dates simple. Drinks in a fun environment are good dates because it keeps the spotlight on you two so you can get to know each other.

Physically escalate. The #1 difference between friends and lovers is a kiss. Do everything you can to get her to a point where she’d like to kiss you. Intimacy and romance goes hand-in-hand and you can’t have one without the other in the initial stages of courtship.

In the end, the best thinking to go about it is to stop trying to be her boyfriend. I say this for two reasons.

  1. You’ve been trying that all this time and it hasn’t gotten the results you want. It’s time to do something different.
  2. Women are used to guys doing the same “try-hard” moves to impress her. She wants to be with a guy who’s comfortable with who he is around women, isn’t treating them any differently out of vanity, knows what they want, and aren’t apologetic about it. 

Of course, being fun, engaging, and considerate are all important too, but the point here is to remove whatever you learned about courtship and learn to become open to what really goes on in today’s dating world. 

This may conflict with your morals, religious beliefs, past experiences, or what have you, but in my 5 years of working with men and women on how to not only meet someone but be in a long-term relationship, these strategies have proven to be the most effective for both men and women.