How to Not Be Needy

One request I’ve been getting recently is to share more of my personal life in posts like I used to back in the day.

The truth is even though my life has progressed beyond my wildest dreams, I’m always looking to understand and improve myself as a man, friend, and future husband.

Being in the relationship I’m in feels amazing. However, every day is a new day for me. The experiences I go through each day are unlike anything I’ve ever gone through. My responsibilities, expectations, social skills, and so much more are constantly evolving.

So how do I handle it all without screwing things up?

Consistent divine intervention.

But in all seriousness, the key has always been following this strategy: “The same skills you used to get in a relationship are the same ones you use to keep you in one.”

“The same skills you used to get in a relationship are the

same ones you use to keep you in one.” Tweet this.

In every relationship, the flame can be kept alive through some type of "chase." Combine that with a lack of neediness, you’ll have the perfect recipe of maintaining attraction -- also known as that spark -- people in long-term relationships complain about missing.

The reality is I am CHOOSING to be with my fiancée. I’m not so worried about trying to get her to choose me. For some, that may read as an arrogant statement. But let's look a little deeper.

Isn’t she CHOOSING to be with me? Is she even worried about trying to get me to choose her? How does this even happen?

The most important thing I’ve learned -- and am still learning -- is I don’t need to play any silly games with her. I don’t have to think about whether or not she thinks I’m chasing her or vice-versa.

All I focus on is keeping the dynamic of our relationship balanced, just like I’ve been doing since we first met. Here’s how I’ve done it and how you can do it for your relationships, whether you just got her number or have been together for years.

Balance of Communication

Calling, Texting, Emailing, and Facebook. What do you do? When do you do it? What is too much? What is too little? Should I wait?

These are questions I get from clients all the time. Let’s simplify everything now. When you get a number, call the next day. Don’t do the ridiculous “3-day rule” to appear less needy -- it’s just not smart when attractive women are being approached by different guys every day.

The very act of communication is a sign of interest. I always worked on maintaining a good balance of communication. I never did reach out too much to expose myself so quickly, but I also didn’t do too little, or else she wouldn’t think I was interested.

Another question I get is how long you should wait until you respond to a message.

If she sends you a text, there will be a period of time where she will wait for your response. So why not respond to her when you have her attention? Wait too long, she’ll lose her attention and then YOU have to wait for her response. See how this can become a endless cycle of frustration?

Countless times, I hear people purposely creating gaps in between their responses to overcompensate their lack of neediness. Having experienced both sides, this can be frustrating, seeming manipulative, and lose my interest quickly -- and I’m a guy! It’s even worse for women.

If she is communicating with you consistently, then the amount of communication doesn’t matter, as long as there’s balance. If she’s sending one text for every four of yours, there’s something wrong. Resist the urge to send that, “are you there?” or “did you get my text?” text and take the time to reevaluate how interested she may be.

Balance of "the Pedestal"

She’s out of my league. I tell my clients no matter how gorgeous a woman may be, chances are, there is a guy out there who can’t stand her.

You hold an attractive woman so high -- knowing absolutely NOTHING about her -- that I bet after talking to the guy who gags in her presence you’d look at her differently.

But the truth is, a woman’s body is addictive. It gives us so many sensations -- by looking alone! When guys see a woman whose looks are on the highest level, they feel as though she’s TOO beautiful / good for them.

About an hour before I met my fiancée for the first time, I saw her site’s intro video and immediately, my mind was going crazy over how hot she was. I gave her all this “credit” she didn’t even earn, knew nothing about her, and all this was solely based on her looks. Think about how often this happens to you...

Fortunately, with the help of my buddy, I grounded myself, saying to myself, “I have NO idea who this woman is.” When I did meet her, I was much more relaxed, carefree, and most importantly, not needy for her attention. She’d probably tell you that amplified her attraction to me.

However, If you really do believe you not good enough for someone, you will send that message through your body, women will notice, lose their attraction for you, and actually not feel you are good enough for them.

Before thinking about how hot she is, think about your standards (personality-wise), and whether or not she’s in YOUR league. Obviously, you won’t know until you actually talk with her, but this mindset will keep you in check. Remember, you’re choosing HER, not the other way around.

NOTE: This doesn’t mean to treat her poorly to overcompensate putting her on a pedestal. Treat, compliment, and genuinely enjoy her with the highest appreciation -- just don’t go over the top.

Balance of Interest

Will she miss me? This is something I thought about all the time when I was first dating my fiancée. The difference was I didn’t ask her -- nor do I remember telling her, “I’ll miss you.”

Growing up, I used to say that to girls I dated and could see it in their eyes -- “this guy’s a Stage 5 Clinger.” Saying something like this or other statements trying to force a reciprocal response of validation is the ultimate sign of neediness. 

If her interest level isn’t that high, it’s going to create an uncomfortable situation for her, which typically will end in either her reciprocating and not meaning it or not responding and you feeling terrible. 

NOTE: This balance can and will be affected by your lifestyle. If you live a very busy lifestyle, not lacking in the women department and you’re choosing to spend valuable time with her specifically, these statements carry weight and rarely show neediness. Your actions only amplify your words.

When you master balance in your relationship dynamic, all “rules” go out of the window. Imagine no longer needing to “play games” and the ability to be genuine without someone losing interest. 

Developing these social skills and your emotional intelligence will not only “get you the girl” but also keep her.