This is a post from 20/40. It's a site that offers relationship and dating advice. This post is from Lisa, who explains that not everyone has the same idea of what "hooking up" really is. I found the CBS interview very interesting because it does help some guys understand more about why relationship work like they do in high school, college and post-grad. A very fun read. You can see the article here, but I'm posting it here as well because I think it's worth it.
My roommate and a guy friend of ours were all hanging out one night, eating dinner when the topic switched to “hooking up.” Beth*, my roommate, was talking about hooking up with a guy that we all know. Tyler looked surprised and wondered why he hadn’t heard about this yet. I laughed and told Tyler that I didn’t think our definition of “hooking up” was the same as Beth’s. Indeed it wasn’t. Beth considered hooking up to essentially be synonymous with making out.
Tyler and I still laugh at what we both considered to be naivety on Beth’s part. However, I just recently stumbled across and news clip, because you know I love the news clips, about hooking up. Apparently Beth was just as on target as Tyler and I thought we were. People are now referring to hooking up as anything from simply kissing to having sex to everything in between.
Turns out, the term “hooking up” in reference to everything from kissing to sex is a relatively new concept. People hook up in high school and through college rather than concentrating on traditional dating and finding a lifelong mate. Because people are waiting longer to get married nowadays, they stay in the hooking up phase until after college, when they finally settle into traditional dating and mate seeking.
I suppose it makes sense. Hooking up, to whatever extent, allows people to get their fill of fun and doesn’t require the commitment of a relationship. However, I will probably always think of hooking up in terms of having casual sex.
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It’s only been a few days in 2009 and already things have changed in my life that I need to be (already) prepared for. I unofficially have time off from the hotel (they say it’s a week-by-week basis so I am going to take that as, “we don’t know when you’ll be back”). This is a blessing for me because I have less hours in my week now (thanks to having one less job), I can focus on Project Infinity, and I can simulate what a work week could be like doing Project Infinity full-time (as this is one of my goals for 2009). I'll have to figure out the money situation as it comes, but that's for another article.
To start the New Year off right, I’d like to give you some really cool goals to accomplish in 2009.
One of the goals for Project Infinity is to be more open to you guys so from now on, I would like to get more contributions to add to my site and my articles. If you have anything you’d like to add to my articles or my site, I would love you guys to email me and I’ll add it and give you link love (of course). It’ll evolve as we go along but it’ll definitely induce more conversation as we all try to achieve a better life for ourselves.
1. New Year, New You. Last night, I was involved in a Podcast with some other “men of style” and we talked about tons of topics about how to improve your style sense. I would certainly give it a listen.
But in general, if there is something you’d like to change about yourself, considering 2009 the year you make an upgrade – a newer version of you. So if you can keep that mentality, the other goals will seem to make sense.
2. Get a New Look. Want to be a stand-out in 2009? Well, you are going to need a new look. Check out my style section for some guidelines on how to look good on the outside. For your hair and face, I write a good article about changing the style of your hair and how to improve your facial features (without the need of plastic surgery, of course).
3. Forget the Past. For some of you, you couldn’t be happier that 2008 is over. Some of you had a terrible year. Forget about it. It’s in the past. Look forward to what’s going on now and will happen in the future. Convince yourself that 2009 will be different and much better than 2008. Whatever issues you have that are lingering from 2008, bring closure to them and move on. This is a new year.Worrying about the past is just an excuse as to why you can’t face the present. Don’t make that excuse.
4. Slow Down. Whatever you do, slow down. Whether it’s your speech, your movements, your life – slow everything down. I always like to compare to those movies or TV shows you would watch and the scenes where everything is in slow motion. Not only does slowing things down keep you in control of what’s going on in your life, it just looks cool. Find someone, whether in your life or on TV that is the epitome of being cool, calm and collected, able to handle any situation presented to him or her in a clear and efficient way. Notice what they do and how they handle different scenarios. Then try to mimic those things in your everyday life. I promise you that you will see the results once you get the hang of it. I can also promise you that when you slow things down, you’ll be able to see things that you wouldn’t normally see.
5. Take the Initiative. This could mean many things. Be a leader. Make the first move. Be the one to take the risk. Those are some of the things that come to mind when I hear “initiative.” This year, start DOING things. Don’t wait on other people to say it’s ok to do something. Just do it. Whatever you want in life, you have to go out and get it. Never be afraid to want something and being vocal about it. Take action. No matter what it is.
Now, you might be thinking to yourself, “wait, Thomas, these goals seems kind of vague. Especially after you ranted about resolutions the other night.” And you have a point. These goals are vague. But you have to understand that I can’t set goals for you. Each and every one of these goals can be applied to any aspect in your life. When it comes to dating, these goals are exceptional. In the professional world, you can definitely make an impact pursuing some of these goals. In your everyday life, these goals are remarkable.
At the end of the day, decide what change you want to make and go for it. Have a plan, stick to it, have someone to hold you accountable, work hard and persevere.
2009 is going to a great year for those who want it. You gotta want it. I know I want it. Do you?
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Well, as most of you may know, I have to work at the hotel tonight. It’s the first time that I may not actually be able to go out on New Year’s Eve and it does piss me off, considering the fact that we’ve had crap occupancy and although tonight will not be any different, they are still making everyone work. I could say a lot of things about that but I’ll save it for another time.
Anyway, I usually go to my friends’ house parties downtown, but lately, there have been less and less of them. Don’t know why, really. It might be because of the money it may cost to throw them or maybe the clean up afterwards, but the number of options has diminished over the past several years.
I would recommend going to a bar (and I still do, just because I’m sure it’s an amazing experience) but bars like to jack up the price of drinks and charge a cover. I don’t plan on shelling out $50 bucks to get into a place I always go to without having a sip to drink. In fact, the only time I went to bar, was several years ago and I was underage. What a night that was! If you want to know what happened, you can email me and I’ll share the story with you. If I remember correctly, it was during my sophomore year in college.
But I will say that if there is any time to be sociable and meet people (and maybe meet women), New Year’s Eve is that time. If you don’t have parties to go to, go out to a bar, there will be so many people out that no one has time to care if you are going out alone. Everyone looks like they are with someone anyway. Plus, everyone is focused on bringing in the new year! Go out, join them and celebrate!
Anyway, this year has been amazing for me. I can’t really talk much about Project Infinity because it’s only been around for 4 months – and that’s been amazing within itself – but I did accomplish many things this year. I graduated from college, finally found my current purpose and my identity in this world, and have met some amazing people in my pursuit to meet as many people as possible and was able to start a project that turned into something much more. I’d like to think that I accomplished a good amount.
So what’s in store for 2009? Many, many things. I have tons of goals that I have set for Project Infinity and myself. 2009 will be an amazing year. I plan on taking over the world!
Well, not exactly, but I do plan on making a difference and affecting the lives of as many people as I can. Because that’s what it’s really about, right? Making a difference and changing the world around you, in some way, right?
Oh, yeah. That and having fun doing every bit of it, too.
Every time it gets closer and closer to January 1, we have this compelling desire to create a list of New Year resolutions. We have all of these things that we’d like to change and we swear that we are going to change them. And in most cases we do – for about a few weeks. Then it’s downhill from there. Next thing you know, January 1 is approaching again and you’re making the same resolution – and it becomes a cycle of just setting yourself up for failure.
Let it be known that there is sincere desire to make these changes for ourselves. It’s just so hard. I’ll admit, when I used to make resolutions, I would try so hard to keep them and a few months later, I would just forget about it. Sometimes, we try hard to get right into making a change that we go into it without a plan or at least some course of action that will get you the results you want for a long time.
A lot of you guys come to me because you aren’t looking just to meet and attract women. You all are looking for a long-term relationship. Some of you are looking for a girlfriend. Some of you are looking for a wife. Clearly you understand that with achieving that, you are going to need a course of action. Resolutions take the same principle. You are going to need a plan and set some short-term goals to make your resolution a piece of cake.
Later on in the week, I will give you several resolutions that will change your 2009 for the better. But for now, here’s how you plan these resolutions. Be specific. Don’t be vague with the goal you are trying to set. In order to be able to view this goal being accomplished, you have to view it as specifically as possible. Here’s an extreme example. Let’s say your resolution is to start going to the gym. Yeah, that’s great but that could mean you could go tomorrow once and that’s it – I know most of you wouldn’t actually do that, but still. You have to push it as far as you can. Let your goal be, “I’m going to go to the gym 4 times a week and have a specific workout routine for each day. While I’m there, I’m going to lose fat, gain muscle and be in the best shape of my life. I’ll be lifting weights some of the time and doing cardio in the form of running or playing basketball. I will look like the effing man!” Yes, maybe a bit extreme but definitely possible to visualize and when you can visualize yourself accomplishing something, you are already halfway there to making it happen.
Set a form of accountability. Have a friend hold you accountable for your resolution. Make sure he or she is a hard ass about it too. Having another person encourage you or join you in the resolution will ease the pressure and make it easier to keeping your resolution. You are never alone.
Set short-term goals. The easiest way to follow-through with your resolutions is to set smaller milestones in order to ease the path to accomplishing your goal. With a design background, I’ll use this example. Clients rely on setting these milestones to make sure that they are getting what they ordered on time and exactly how they wanted it. You need to rely on these milestones too. So with the gym thing, set some smaller goals for yourself. Maybe you want to increase your bench press weight every so often, decrease your body fat, lose a couple of pounds, whatever. Setting shorter goals will eventually lead you to keeping your resolution.
Reward yourself. When doing a design project, if you complete a milestone, you get paid a portion of the total. Simple enough. Reward yourself when you accomplish those smaller goals toward your resolution. Just make sure that the reward doesn’t counter your progress. So if you are trying to lose 20 pounds and you lost 5 so far, don’t reward yourself by going to an Old Country Buffet and cleaning house. Do something more fun. Maybe buy yourself a video game or a cool toy (Best Buy), or if you are a woman, buy yourself a nice dress or treat yourself to a day at the spa. If you keep doing this, let the rewards get better and serve as a motivator as you get closer to keeping your resolution.
Who knows, maybe for actually following through with your resolution, you’ll treat yourself to a Caribbean vacation cruise! You can thank me by bringing me with you.
What are some other ways that can help keep your resolution? What do you do?
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So a while back, I made a post about learning about the alpha male. There were so many good examples that I used there. Well, recently, I came across this site called AlphaWomen. It's a site helping women improve their relationships, dating lives and other aspects of their lives. I’ve been snooping around for a while and I have to say that there is a bevy of information here that I think is so important. You have so many different women on here talking about anything and everything that it would be hard to not find an aspect or topic uncovered.
I recently saw a video about two women; Freda (owner of AlphaWomen) and Katherine talk about dating, relationships and views on life. I thought it would be pretty interesting to give my personal take on what they talked about and how you can use what they are saying here to be better with attracting and understanding women.
You can see the videos here. It’s broken into four parts. If you can read and listen at the same time, then by all means, go for it. But I think it would be better if you listened to each video, then read what I talk about after.
There were many different things that should be talked about that I think could ease your pain and frustration and give you hope in meeting wonderful women.
There seems to be this thing that women who are in their 20s and 30s are all about dating multiple men and are so career-driven that they forcefully cannot commit themselves to a relationship. This is far from the truth. Women are looking for a relationship almost all of the time. I cannot and will not include college because there are too many stimuli that affect what goes on in the female mind. Shit, that statement goes for men as well.
Just like women, you too should just go with your gut. Stop over thinking everything and just act. Trust your instincts. As a human race, that was all we had and now we take that for granted. Don’t forget that your instinct will never fail you. Instinct is what has brought us to where we are today.
Now both of them bring up a good point. It may seem as though their pride is too high for them to approach guys. And maybe it is too high but notice the difference. Freda is not afraid to be alone and Katherine seems to have some issues. I personally think that everyone should have some desire to pursue his or her match. I don’t think sitting and waiting for someone to find you is the best way so when I hear quotes like, “if they want me, they’ll figure out a way to get to me,” it almost tells me that you’re being a little lazy in your pursuit. Actually, it tells me that you’re not really doing anything. I couldn’t imagine the world if everyone did that. But, if that’s her way of doing things then it’s cool. As a very attractive-looking woman, I can’t see her having problems with men approaching her.
But then again she mentions that men were different 50-plus years ago. And yes she is right but women were also different 50 years ago. We all were and we are constantly changing and it’s hard to keep up because there are so many things out there that dictate how we should be. But despite all that, there are men (although few) out there who believe in “old-school” romance. It’s possible to find them.
Katherine seems like such a sweetheart. I can tell she has such an amazing heart and is just wants to give it to the right person. It’s just a shame she hasn’t found him yet. And yes, I agree, it is ok to love. Nowadays, it’s become one of the riskier things we do in life but we are more likely to take that risk and reap the rewards more blindly than going all-in on a stock you know nothing about. Money is important, yes, but we treasure love much more and it’s so deep in our subconscious that we don’t even realize.
Now Freda brings up another good point that all men should listen to. The reason why she can’t get excited about being in a relationship is because guys are just not interesting enough – in other words, there aren’t guys out there that can stimulate her mind. Her mind, gentlemen. Do you see why I stress the importance of establishing a connection with them? You need to engage them just as much as they need to engage you. If you can have her leave every conversation feeling better or stronger than she was before she talked to you, you become something much more valuable to her and she’ll want to keep you around.
I cannot stress this enough. Don’t make women have to dumb themselves down so they think that they can talk to you. Wouldn’t you find that insulting if you knew that’s what women did? Have some pride in how awesome you are and let her know she doesn’t have to dumb herself down for you! I can understand why Freda can be so frustrated with relationships and now has this pseudo-wall up, protecting herself from lower quality guys. It seems like she hasn’t been pushed, or challenged, or “tested” enough by a guy that really cares about her becoming a better person while being with him.
Maybe, I interpreted it wrong, but regardless, it’s important to the health of any long-lasting relationship that you stimulate her mind. Physical attraction will always be there at the beginning but it certainly won’t last. When that dissipates, you better hope there is something else there that is much stronger and deeper.
You want to know what else makes you attractive, guys? Knowing what you want. Which is why I make guys determine their goals from the get-go. If you don’t know what you want, how is any woman going to feel safe or comfortable with you? Knowing what you want leaves a sense of security around your life and people notice it immediately.
Freda then asks Katherine why should she be the one chasing and convincing a guy why he should be with you. Well, I think the answer is the same reason why we chase and convince you why you should be with us. It works both ways and I think it’s perfectly acceptable for a woman to “chase” a guy. We just talked about knowing what we want. When a guy “chases” a woman he is seen as inferior and weak. When a woman “chases” a man, she thinks she is seen as inferior and weak. There lies the difference. Any good man would understand the significance of a woman going after a man and if he sees her as a potential fit then great. If not, so be it. There is a big gap in the amount of approaches men and women do. But the gap between success is small and that’s because for the amount of approaches guys do and the fewer that women do, the amount of success will be pretty much equal. The success rate for women is much higher because they have a limited amount of approaches. But I’m just speaking my opinion based on observation.
In the end, knowing what you want is important. You may have high expectations or set high standards and be seen as some picky asshole. Just understand that you’ve seen that from the women you meet pretty much your entire life. Those women you thought were “bitches” to you because they were always vocal about what they wanted were just being picky and didn’t see you as a potential fit and that is perfectly acceptable. So, if it’s acceptable for them to have standards and be vocal about it, why can’t it be the same for guys?
Do what you want and be passionate about it! If you want it bad enough, you will achieve whatever goal you set. Have the courage to be vocal about what you want. And most importantly, never settle.
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I forget where I came across this. I just have the notes here and I wanted to talk about this because I thought this was interesting. There are people out there who have done tons of relationship research and now have recently devised a list of emotional needs guys have to fulfill in order to keep a woman attracted to you for a long time. This is supposed to be critical to maintaining a long-term relationship.
Just popping in to say what's up. Hope everyone is having a great holiday weekend!
I am taking the weekend off the site to do a few things, such as:
1. enjoy playing video games again (which was my passion before this entered my life)
2. finish up my program due out in January 2009.
3. work on my in-field consulting and helping guys out more frequently
Once I get back Monday, I'll be throwing out some cool stuff that I think everyone will enjoy. I plan on talking about some potentially discussion-inducing topics, such as emotional needs, alpha women, the concept of momentum and some funny Christmas stories.
Considering that it's been very cold, snowy and windy as of late, you would be silly to not have a scarf to protect you from the elements. On top of that you would be just as silly not to use the scarf as an excuse to be fashionable. Well, Jae from Kinowear has it covered for you. Here are the nine (yes, 9) different ways you can tie your scarf.
Some of these are pretty cool. Others are almost as complicated as tying a tie.
There is an elegant quality that comes with a scarf, giving the man who dons one an extra touch of swagger.
In the winter time, you’re probably going to be wearing the same couple of coats throughout the whole season. A scarf will add the perfect amount of noticeable flair and variety to your outfit, not to mention the extra warmth.
One question I seem to get the most regarding scarves is, “What’s the best way to wear one around your neck?”
There are so many ways you can wear a scarf. The most practical ways will only take you a few minutes to learn. Others, will take no effort at all.
Here are 9 different ways you can wear a scarf:
Here are some excellent illustrations courtesy of texeresilk.com.1. The Ascot Knot (or Loose Tie)
Step 1 Let the middle of the scarf fall on the back of your neck with equal length on both sides.
Step 2 Take one end (A) and bring it towards the other (B).
Step 3 Let A pass from under B.
Step 4 Bring A upwards to make a knot as illustrated.
Step 5 Adjust both the ends equally facing downwards.
This type of knot is great when you’re wearing an open jacket, and you want the same appeal that a necktie has. It also works great when you’re wearing a turtle neck or a high collar jacket.
2. The Twice-Around Ascot
Step 1 Fold the scarf according to the basic fold 1 and let it hang around your neck equally on each side.
Step 2 Bring one side (A) towards the other side (B).
Step 3 Let A pass from under B.
Step 4 Bring A towards the front.
Step 5 Let A pass through B again to form a knot.
Step 6 Adjust both the sides facing forward as shown in the illustration.
This knot is the same as the first except that it goes around the neck twice. This techinque works best with a longer scarf.
3. The European Loop (or Slip Knot)
Step 1 Fold the scarf according to the basic fold 3 and then fold it again to form a sort of hoop.
Step 2 Let the scarf dangle around your neck with the hoop on one side of the shoulder.
Step 3 Take the other end (A) and bring it towards the hoop.
Step 4 Let A pass through the hoop to make a European loop.
Step 5 Tighten the loop to get the complete effect.
This knot can be made shorter by folding the scarf in half again after the first time. This type of knot goes well with a short jacket, which you can also tuck the scarf into and zip up. This is one of my personal favorites. It looks best in cold weather, and works well with both casual and business outfits.
4. The Fake Knot
Step 1 Fold the scarf according to basic knot 1 and let it drop down your neck equally on each side.
Step 2 Make a knot on one side (A).
Step 3 Bring the other side (B) towards A.
Step 4 Let B pass through A to form a knot.
Step 5 Tighten the knot to get a beautiful fake knot.
5. The Neck Tie
Tie your scarf as you would a regular neck tie - a Windsor knot looks best. This can only be done with a lightweight scarf. This is a very business appropriate look that would go create with a 3/4 length coat.
More simple ways to wear a scarf:
6. The Twice-Around
Place the scarf around your neck so that the two ends are at your back, cross the ends at the back of your neck and bring them around to the front. This is great for a casual oufit. For example, a simple solid jacket with jeans.
If it’s not cold out, wear it loose for a more laid-back appeal:
7. The Toss
This one is so easy: Hang the full length of the scarf around your neck with one side hanging down about one foot more than the other, then take the long end and cross it over your neck, tossing it behind you and over the opposite shoulder.
8. The Classic Drape
Simply drape the scarf around your neck and tuck it into your coat, covering the chest area left exposed by the coat’s neckline. If I’m wearing an overcoat, I like to do this, and close my jacket over it, checking that the scarf is evenly under my jacket collar.
Another way to use a scarf is to pop up your jacket collar and place it underneath:
9. The Wrap Around
Rather than telling you how to do this, I thought it would be better to find a video on how to tie this one. It’s the final one shown in this great video by Details (you’ll see how to do the loose tie and slip knot as well):
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To this day, I still can’t stand hearing those words. Whenever I hear those words, I immediately get flashbacks and images of all that is wrong when a group of guys go out with that mindset. I remember being one of those guys in college my few first years in college. I would never say it out loud, but my mindset was clear. I was going to go out, get wasted and pick up a girl to bring back to the dorm. Man, those were the days.
Anyway, at some point during the conclusion of college, I realized that it’s sleazy and it just doesn’t work. Women would pick up on this and words would spread about you like wildfire. Think it doesn’t happen? Trust me, it does. I was fortunately enough to have the social status and circle to not make it a problem for me. But that is a completely different topic for another day.
Being newly single, going out has taken on a completely different meaning. For me, it’s about enjoying time out with friends, meeting new people and making strong connections that can potentially last. If I were to come across a woman I feel a stronger connection with, that’s even better. But never can I say that I would go out for the purpose of “picking up” women. Which does bring some “hiccups” with a few of my friends who are still in college.
One night, my good friends were liberated from midterms and wanted to go out, considering the next day there was a holiday and were no classes. I was cool with that but they didn’t make their intentions known until I met up with them that they wanted to, “get some girls.”
Now, I have been in this situation plenty of times with a bunch of my friends. I am perfectly fine with going out on these kinds of nights with my buddies. I love them all and they are cool people for sure and we’re gonna have a good time out regardless. But the idea of going out and “picking up” women just doesn’t work for me anymore. But, it doesn’t mean that I won’t help them if they need it.
But what good is it if the friends I am helping do not have the confidence to take initiative and “seal the deal?”
So this is usually what happens.
If they need me to talk to a group of women, I’ll find the biggest group of women, open them up to conversation and then introduce them to my buddies. I even say something cool about my friends too that will generate attraction and interest.
“This is [my friend]. He’s from Argentina.”
“I want you to meet [my friend]. He actually worked with Obama over the summer.”
Anything that would make them look cool. At that point, my job is done. I’ll end up making friends with one of the other women and just hang out. I get caught up in conversation and don’t notice that my friends are gone.
Long story short, they want to “take a lap” around and see what’s good (one of my pet peeves). But then they don’t talk to anyone else but each other for the rest of the night? Then they’ll go home wondering why they’re in my car and not walking home or taking a cab home with a woman. What the hell happened? Clearly, they didn’t get told off because these same women will join in my conversation with their friend and occasionally ask about my friends, wondering more about them (which is always a good sign).
Sometimes, people don’t know what to do when things are given to them. Other times, people don’t feel worthy or confident enough to think they can handle talking to attractive women. Fewer times, they may just want to see what else is available.
So my advice here to them and everyone else out there who understands what I am talking about here would be to stop, listen, enjoy and be the man. Focus on the interaction and listen to what is going on in front of you. Enjoy the moment as you may end up finding a connection with someone. And be the man, when someone is talking to you, it should be a mutually privileged conversation. She is just as lucky to be talking to you as you are to her and you should convey that. You are the catch, remember?
I think eventually my buddies will get it and it will change their entire perspective on going out and meeting women. But in the end, we’re all having fun right?
Well, I think they got the idea as explained in one of my secret posts, coming soon to exclusive members in January!
If you want to be one of the first to get on the VIP List, email me at infinityfans@recklessstudio.com and request your spot. There are only so many…
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