This is where it all started. We all have our inspirations for doing things. We all have those moments in time when you just get that spark. I have two of those inspirations. The first one that I talked about a while ago was Gary Vaynerchuk. He was the one that sparked my decision to pursue Project Infinity as a business and to really hustle to get the results I want.
But to improve my life and my life with women (which was what I wanted to improve a few years ago), my inspiration is none other than David DeAngelo. I can tell you so much about him and what he has done but I really don't have enough time. I CAN give you his links and where to find his products though.
He teaches guys how to attract not only beautiful women into your life, but plenty of women into your life. His series, Double Your Dating was the big difference-maker in realizing what it took to become a more interesting person to women. I valued his book and videos more than the Game and the Mystery Method. The stuff that he teaches is really, REALLY amazing.
He recently came out with the Mantransformation Program which is sick and he's coming out with a new series, Become Mr. Right. I am pumped for this series because this takes improving your life to the next level and I comment by saying that, "this may be the program that makes the difference in your life."
This guy is the best, and one of my many goals in 2009 is to meet this guy and thank him for changing my life. If you can get any of his materials, I highly suggest you take your time and go through it many times over.
Here is a video giving a quick idea of what DD is like:
I can talk on and on about his program and what he's taught me so if you want to talk about it, shoot me an email or leave a comment here. I truly want my program to have the same impact as David's. He's changed my life and I'm not ready to do the same for you!
Who has been your inspiration for this part of your life? Where did you learn and develop your skills? I'd love to know.
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To continue my "ode to my inspirations," this post is coming from Approach Anxiety. I love this site because it focus on the one thing that stops most guys from making that first move: Anxiety. Eric Disco, who is a cool guy to look into, talks about how anxiety is something you should embrace and how you can convert it into confidence - using momentum as a means of success. Check this article out, it's a fun and simple read.
My program will get into this approach anxiety and provide countless ways to accepting your anxiety and converting it into confidence. It's simple, fun and you will see results instantly. The membership program is coming soon!
This is the worst feeling ever, I think to myself.
I was feeling great yesterday, and the day before.
But today, I just don’t feel like opening my mouth.
I just got back from a few days vacation with my family. I was social with them, but didn’t interact with anyone else.
I noticed more overall anxiety when I got back last night.
I walk out the front door of my apartment building and bundle up for the cold weather. I think about the possibility of talking to women today and it’s so remote.
I have the momentum of a steam engine–that’s in park.
I round the corner to the subway station. Head up the stairs to the platform.
I get my body walking along the platform even though part of me hopes there’s no one to talk to.
I see a girl. I can’t tell whether she’s cute or not. Who cares. This is just to get moving.
“Do you know if this train goes to Manhattan?”
She smiles. “Yeah. It does.”
“Okay, thanks.” I say and walk away.
Doh. That girl was really cute. And she was smiling. Why didn’t I talk to her longer? I totally could have bantered with her.
Part of me starts to feel regret for not taking it further. But I stop myself completely. That was just a warm up.
I give myself a lot of room when I get into things at the beginning of the day. The first person I talk to, I make sure I put no pressure on myself to do anything.
Yeah, I could banter. And if I could banter, I could connect with her as well. And on and on.
But this is all part of a very important process for me, a process I go through every single day.
I often talk about how important it is to interact with women every single day, that doing this daily will be the most important part of learning to manage approach anxiety.
Things really do get easier. But the approach anxiety never goes away. Ever.
But guys that are great at this stuff know that secret. The reason they have less approach anxiety is because they know how to deal with it when it crops up.
They know how to get themselves into the right state every day.
They do warm-ups with no outcome in mind. Even Mystery talks about how the first three people he talks to is just practice.
This is the hardest part for guys starting out. It is the most frustrating part. Because they can’t feel what the warm-ups are doing for them.
Am I on the right path? Is this really helping me? I feel different but why aren’t people reacting differently to me? Is this “working”?
They would rather take a huge leap forward and fail because it would hurt too much to fail at something small.
Guys get miserly. When they first start doing this, getting past the fear requires a ton of concentration and energy. They decide not to say “Hi” to the person in an elevator so they can save their energy for when they have to do that difficult approach.
In the beginning, it’s true, you won’t have enough energy to interact with every single person every time you want to. But if you plan to interact with someone on a deeper level, you better start small.
You talk to one person and your body starts to get used to it. You start to feel a bit more comfortable. And with the next person it’s easier.
There’s a word for that. It’s called confidence. And you can build your confidence on a daily basis.
It is a daily process. Anxiety is not something like a disease to be cured. It is something you gain proficiency at dealing with.
It starts new every day. There is something about night, which wipes it all away.
Each night, sleep is a small exercise in death, a daily submission to the great unknown. Our dreams are our womb, intimate, safe and nurturing.
Every morning we are born again. We must learn again, we must remember what it felt like to let someone else into our personal space.
I transfer on my train to the next stop. Walk along the platform. I walk over and stand next to a short-haired cutie and open my mouth.
“You look like you know where you’re going.” I wait for her to respond.
She looks at me with a smile and pulls off her headphones.
“Do you know if this train is running this weekend? I have big plans.”
“Um… I think so…” she says with a smile.
“Awesome, you rock. I’m taking you everywhere with me!” She giggles.
And I walk away.
Again.
This time with a smile on my face.
I carry that smile around with me. The next girl I talk to, I will hardly even have to banter. She’s practically giggling when I open my mouth.
Each morning, a voice inside me says: protect what you have. You are fine the way you are. Don’t take that risk.
But my own voice, my true voice, my voice not captured by fear, tells a different story.
There’s more out there, it says. It’s called life. And I intend to live it as vigorously as possible.
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When I began to take this research of social dynamics publicly and connecting with others on the web, TSBMag was one of the vert first sites I came across. It was a very fun little site to check out guys talk about all different kinds of things like being the man on campus, women, cool toys, being a man, self-help, life principles and other just fun things.
Now it is a very highly-regarded blog and I am happy to have been able to watch its growth. Bobby, Mike and Pete are all cool people and if you haven't seen the site yet, please check it out. They have amazing articles and they talk a lot about life principles and maximizing your potential, things that I love!
Bobby started a series called "the Success Principles," and it comes from a course ran by Jack Canfield. There are 64 principles and if you want to check them all out, I would suggest starting from the very start.
For now, I am going to post one of the many awesome ones. Principle 33: Transcend Your Limiting Beliefs. This is a lot about reframing your mind to get rid to the negatives that stop you from doing something and finally believing that you can by creating positive and affiming statements that reflect this belief.
This is something you can do now! So, check it out and please continue to follow my ode to my inspirations.
Also, I'd love to find out what are some of your inspirations. Shoot me an email and I'll post some of them here as well! I love learning all different kinds of things and have no problem posting them up here! Let me know!
Here's the article:
This next article is part of an ongoing series here at TSB Magazine called The Success Principles. The series is based on the 64 principles laid out by Jack Canfield in his course of the same name. If you’re new, I always suggest starting any series from the beginning.
Principle 33: Transcend Your Limiting Beliefs
The idea of eliminating or transcending negative beliefs seems to creep into many of the principles throughout this series. I think there is good reason for that. You are ultimately defined by your beliefs. If you have limiting beliefs… you are, in fact, limited.
Many of us carry a deep rooted belief that we are not capable of achieving our goal. Whether the goal is to make a million dollars, lose weight, find a girlfriend, or write a book, for whatever reason, we believe that there is something inherent in us that will prevent us from achieving the goal. Even after going through over 30 lessons in this series, many of you may still believe that you do not have the will power, education, connections, determination, or intelligence to achieve success.
Many of these beliefs have unconsciously been thrust upon us throughout our lives. Sometimes it was a parent, sometimes classmates or peers who put little seeds of inferiority and doubt into your mind. In order to fully succeed it is necessary that you banish these beliefs and replace them with new empowering beliefs.
You need to shift from thinking “I’m not capable” to the thoughts “I can do this” “If other people have accomplished this so can I” and “I am capable.”
This is the final piece of the puzzle. On the surface is seems so incredibly easy. But transcending these limiting beliefs may be the biggest struggle you will ever have to over come.
How to Overcome Any Limiting Belief
Canfield gives a good formula for overcoming these beliefs:
1. Identify a limiting belief that you want to change. Start by making a list of any beliefs you have that might be limiting to you.
2. Determine how the belief limits you.
3. Decide how you want to be, act, or feel.
4. Create a turnaround statement that affirms or gives you permission to be, act, or feel this new way.
Once you have created a new belief- your turnaround statement- you will need to implant it in your subconscious mind through constant repetition several times per day for a minimum of 30 days. Use the affirmation techniques we discussed in Principle 10, Release the Breaks.
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This is an awesome article about Lexicon's perspective on his desire to attain a girlfriend and how his research through pick up and social dynamics have developed not only his personality but his whole way of thinking when interacting with women.
There is a new appreciation of women here and I want people to understand that this is what guys need to realize. This is also what I will be teaching in my upcoming membership program. It's never about getting the girl. It's about building a quality life and gaining a better appreciation not only for who you are but also your life and the people that come into it.
If you want to check out his article, "Developing Cassanova Game," and comment there, here is his post. I highly suggest you do.
Enjoy! This is a valuable read!
“Feeling that I was born for the sex opposite of mine, I have always loved it and done all that I could to make myself loved by it.” - Giacomo Casanova, History of My Life.
I’ve been playing this game long enough that I recognize when there is a shifting of my reality. I felt it the first time I picked up Double Your Dating, The Game, or the first time I had made-out with a girl at a bar. There are these notions that Ihave in my head that get picked away one by one and in the end am left with my true intentions and desires.
When I first began learning pickup and seductionthe only thing I wanted was a girlfriend. I needed her so that I could be happy, I was an incomplete person and the only thing that I felt would make me complete and happy would be finding a woman to satisfy my gaping hole of neediness.
Jeez… sohard to understand now.
Ironically, after I read David De’Angelo’s Double Your Dating I was able to get just that, a girlfriend, only to break up after two months of dating. Quickly after that I got another girlfriend, which was a year and a half of fighting, arguing, and a general sense of misery.
Then I read The Game. That’s when a big key turned in my head and opened an unbelieveable realm of possibilities,”you mean I can have sex with women without being their boyfriend?” Along with all the other adventures that you can read throughout my blog.
But on the other side there is a really bizarre underlying weirdness about the community. “Racking up stats” or how many approaches a person gets a night or whatever. It never made sense to me and it still doesn’t make sense to me.
What is the point of what we’re doing? It actually makes me think back to something I felt after reading The Game. At one point Neil Strauss writes that he has a rotating wheel of women in his life. I’ve heard Hypnotica and some of the more “out there” guru’s talk about being Poly-Amorous and having mLTRs(Multiple Long-Term Relationships) but I never was able to rationally understand it, even though it seemed like the best possible situation.
Lately it’s been making a lot more sense, I’ve written about this several times recently in my Burning Bridges posts (1, 2) but I think that there is an even deeper message under this for me.
Like I said, when I first started this I wanted to have a girlfriend because I wanted an emotional connection with another person. Yes, I can admit that it came from a place of neediness, but it is also nice to feel that there is “someone there” and that you can care for someone. Again, non-attachment doesn’t mean not giving a shit,it means being open, honest, and loving without a need for it. I do it because it’s something I want but could easily live without.
Oddly, though, when first starting out in the “community” that mentality didn’t survive for very long. Approaching thirty girls in a night makes it really easy to not get too attached to any of them. Truthfully, you can’t! Tearing through sets all night long makes it really easy to desensitize yourself to women. Throw on top of that when guys start getting “good” and they have several makeouts or lays a week and then there is not any form of specialness to it at all.
I completely refuse to deny that the women who I talk to and meet are not human beings! The other road, the endless turning wheel of one night stands and meaningless makeouts and approaches, what’s the point? If you want to get over making women too important, then get the hell over it! Accept that it is a worthless pursuit. What do you prove? You get other little dorks on your internet forum telling you how great you are for your one night stands?
I honestly like women and enjoy their company. I like the smell of their hair and the feel of their skin. I still get excited when I go out to a first get together and I love the tension before the first kiss. I appreciate a woman with a good sense of humor and who is kind. I like good conversation. I am impressed when a woman knows what a Cronenbergmovie is or if they pay attention to politics. I don’t want to just fuck them one night then move onto the next “set”, I want to meet good people and women and have them involved in my life. Not just emptily moving throughlive searching for the next hole to stick my dick into.
My game is reflecting this mindset too. This, to me, goes along the same lines of when Brent Smith says, “you don’t have to learn how to imitate a confident man, just become one.” So when I hear stuff like, “I built more comfort” or “I asked her a specific kind of question to build a deeper connection”, why don’t you just get more comfortable and develop a good connection? I like getting to know someone now. I don’t go out approaching a billion women. Cold-approach is a complete waste of time and effort. I want to focus on Warm-Approachand usingApproach Invitations for an opening to meet and talk to a new person.
Most importantly I want to completely drop having an agenda. Lately I’m being told by the girls I hook up with, “you make me feel so comfortable.” That is the key now. Being comfortable with yourself, having no agenda, and getting to know another person, openly and with love.
With a straight face I can say that I absolutely hate Confrontational Cold-Approach Pickup. It’s stupid and creepy and needy. If I never do it again for as long as I live I will be perfectly cool with that.
On top of it, I’m tired of the fakeness of pickup and seduction. I’m tired of the strategies and tactics. It seems so pointless to me now. Why put in that much effort? Why go to a shitty club 5 nights a week, approaching 3 bazillion women, sleeping with 19 gazillion? What do you prove? What happiness does that bring?
Just like I had to pull off my constraints of neediness, I’m pulling off my constraints of proving shit to other people. Isn’t that what pickup becomes about eventually? If you say no, then do you think that you could take dating advice from a pickup “guru” who has only slept with one woman? You can get insight from anywhere and the only thing that you should use to discount it is if it isn’t consistent with your beliefs, what does sleeping with a bunch of women prove in a person’s ability to be happy?
I’m going to be open to love. I’m going to be open to appreciation. I’m going to be open to spending time and connecting with another human being.
No more games, tactics, and bullshit. No more proving anything to anyone. No more pickup dorkiness.
I’m only doing what’s real from now on. Pursing my life through my interests, no more chasing women. Making real connections with women and people, no more games and tactics. Only being my real self, not some created pickup “avatar” to “attract women”.
My true self connecting, appreciating, and loving another human being.
Otherwise, what does it really matter? It will only lead to validation, self-denial, self-hatred, and an inability to connect with yourself and others. And what I want is peace and happiness. I want my life and my dating life to positive and a benefit to my life. Not some constant battle and struggle.
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I came across this article earlier in the week and thought that this would be a good gauge for how well you are improving in your social life transformation. I, of course, will provide my own "milestone gauge" when you sign up for my program, which is coming very soon. It'll be a cool thing to be able to physically see your goals and your track towards getting there.
This post is from the site, Reality Method 2.0 and it's just indicating some "milestones" that you can use to determine if you are on the right track toward success with women and in ilfe. Hold on to this because this has some very good information. Very, very cool post.
Stay tuned for more!
Self-improvement is a challenging game. It’s tough, results are sometimes slow in coming, and it never ends.
For this reason, it’s good to be conscious of the small steps we take along the way that are worth recognizing. It’s worth paying attention to the seemingly-subtle changes in our attitudes that go a long way.
Below are a few of my favorite “turning points”. If you have met these milestones, you can take at least a moment of respite in the knowledge that you are, in fact, on the right track.
Four Subtle Signs of Success
1. You can have a good time going out by yourself. Yes, all by yourself. I know a lot of guys who are very resistant to this idea — I know just as many guys who actually prefer to go ‘lone wolf’ it. Whichever category you fit into (or neither), when you are capable of going out by yourself and having a good time — whether that be socializing, sarging, enjoying the music and the DJing or enjoying the dancing — you have arrived. You are self-sufficient. You are a party unto yourself.
It’s paradoxical but true — the avoidance of appearing to be partying by yourself — fear of the “loser” label if you are seen just sitting by yourself, drinking, not socializing — is what causes guys to do awkward, socially inept things. See also “checking out the club”. See also “going to the bathroom”. See also “nervously texting everyone in your phone in an attempt to look socially proofed”. Guys fumbling with their phones all night long are NOT sexy.
If you’re going solo, rid yourself of emotional drama about it and just do it, to the hilt. I have gotten into some great interactions by sitting, solo, like a bump on a log, drinking. If you can enjoy yourself, sitting alone and drinking, then you are golden. Everything above that will be gravy.
And, of course, the important part of all this is that you don’t just get comfortable being by yourself, and then stay that way forever. You get comfortable doing just that — and then you get bored doing just that. Your comfort being alone necessitates that you move on to the next level, which is comfort in social interactions with other people.
I guarantee you that, until you can be comfortable being alone with yourself, you will never really be as comfortable with other people as you could be.
2.When you get excited, rather than scared, by the idea of getting into socially awkward situations. This applies to AMOGing, approaching groups of girls alone, calling low-probability or old numbers up, when you decide to call rather than text, or go talk to someone face to face rather than picking up the phone. When you have made the mental step to see those situations as positive stress that will improve your ability to deal with life, rather than negative stress that have the potential to overwhelm you and send you into a downward spiral, you have made the quantum leap.
This is a good time to remember that some stress is good; in fact, without stress, life as we know it would not exist. Stress is what drives learning (any skill), growth (physical, mental, emotional and spiritual) and evolution (the process of overcoming “stressful” problems).
Now there is such a thing as negative stress. Too much stress, or constant low-level stress, wears us out and erodes our ability to function. The modern American 50-hour work week is, in fact, a great example of negative stress, and is probably behind a great deal of our chronic illnesses. But I digress. You want positive stress in your life; and when you start seeing challenging social situations as opportunities to add some positive stress, you are well on your way.
3.When you stop getting excited by the prospect of getting off. The seduction game — all of it — is about so much more than the release. As men, our principle desire is for freedom. This freedom can come in the form of an orgasm, or closing a business deal, or making a touchdown, or making a deep philosophical breakthrough, or knocking some random drunk guy the f**k out.
It’s all the same thing. It’s all about an obstacle that we perceive to be constraining us, and our smashing through that obstacle to the freedom of release and blissful freedom that waits on the other side.
I made this realization when I started being intentional about when I came. There’s a great deal of emotional and physical depth to explore when you place yourself entirely in control of making the choice. Once you have spent enough time in this place, an ejaculation may feel good, but your desire, the driving force behind it, is not the least bit slackened afterwards.
It’s then that you realize that the whole game is not about release or freedom at all. It’s about the process of engagement with the challenge of seduction, the challenge of self-improvement, and the cultivation of personal power that requires. And it never ends, ever.
In fact, the physical pawing that accompanies sex is totally empty without the mental and spiritual component of seduction. . . especially when you are overmatched by a woman who is more skilled than you in those departments. Most seduction authors would cast that as the male being ‘not skilled enough’, and that may be true as well, but I think it’s valuable to look at it from both perspectives.
When you meet a really skilled seductress, and your tactics slide off her, she is expanding you, in the same way you expand women you can easily seduce.
I am beginning to believe that the whole point of relationships — all relationships — is the advancement of one another.
If you can’t advance her, she shouldn’t waste her time with you.
If she can’t advance you, you are wasting your time sleeping with her.
This is true of your male friends as well. If someone can’t challenge you at all, you may enjoy a congenial chat with them, but you won’t be advanced. Can congeniality itself be advancing? Maybe.
4.When you realize that meditation is infinitely more rewarding than playing video games, watching movies or enjoying pornography. Although there is nothing fundamentally “wrong” with any of those things, it’s important to realize that there is a much better movie to play. The mental video game of keeping your attention fully in the present, watching the movie of your thoughts go by, will connect you with your spiritual depth in a way that even the temporary quivering excitement and variety of pornography can’t ever hope to touch.
And that way lies true personal power.
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So as I begin my "ode to my influences" or whatever you want to call it, I want to start of by posting an article by one of the top "pick up artists" in the world, Sinn. He is a really cool person and if you ever get a chance to see any videos of him, you'll know what I am talking about.
He has his own blog, Sinns of Attraction, which is definitely a must-feed! This blog talks about basic social skills that any person should have. Practice and master using these steps with who you are as a person and you will be an amazing social person.
Now realizing that didn't make any sense, it's probably time I go to bed. Enjoy the post!
Hey guys,
Since starting 12 Months to Mastery I've now gotten feedback to prove something that I already really believed. Game is useless without BASIC social skills.
BradP already hinted at this when he talked about how you can't use negs or boyfriend destroyers if you have social anxiety because even though the words are right the delivery is wrong and you look terrified. I actually now have evidence it goes one step beyond that. In 12 Months to Mastery the first thing I have done is strip everyone back down to zero. My thinking went something like this " If you can't open a group of guys and girls by saying hi and then relating to them without routines, techniques or tactics, you are going to have problems." Why? Because you won't always have routines, you can't always be non reactive, or dominant or anything. The first step to socializing is making people socially comfortable while talking to you. Comfort actually comes before attraction(credit AFC Adam) but it's not the type of rapport based comfort most people in the community assume. Instead it's socail comfort, I.E the idea that this person will not creep you out, bore you or insult you.
So how do you learn to make people socially comfortable? Basic conversational skills. The very things that certain schools mock as "AFC" are the building blocks to ultimately having great game. Back in the old school ASF days this skill was referred to as "fluff talk". Ultimatley it comes down to a few basic points:
1. Relate to the other people in the conversation. Show how your experiences intertwine with theirs or vice versa. This can be done by asking questions or making statements.
2. Keep the conversation going, by changing conversational subjects. There's a lot of material out there on this.
3. Demonstrate genuine interest in getting to know them. Not interest in fucking them.
4. Talk about yourself. Don't be afraid to relate things about yourself and how you came to be who you are.
5. Asking questions that set up information about you. Instead of using questions to find out about them, use your questions to set up information about you. For example:
Sinn: " Are you guys locals?" Girls: " Yeah we're from Mesquite. Sinn: " Yeah? I'm from LA, which is funny cause iw as the least pretentious person there, and now I'm the most pretentious person in Texas. :)
I'll have some more articles on this stuff up later this month, but for npow start looking at basic social skills as the glue that holds routines and all the tactics together.
S
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I am actually glad that this is over. This show has been raped with terrible reviews and everyone just saying how much this show sucks (trust me, I’ve been following the “pick up artist” twitter timeline and about 5% of it says something good). And as far as I’m concerned, the final two “talents” weren’t worth the price of admission but it came down to these two: Matt and Simeon.
Simeon has been my front-runner since Brian left but over the past few weeks he has been way too cocky thinking he has it made. Unfortunately, going up again Matt, the nice guy, he has a pretty good chance.
The first challenge is supposed to teach unconscious competence. Basically at this point, building attraction and sexual escalating an interaction with a woman should be second nature. How would this be possible? Finding an instant attraction spark, setting the sexual tone as soon as possible, being blindly confident and always assuming the answer is yes. I personally do not use this approach BUT if you want to try to hook up with a woman, minutes after first meeting her, this would be the route to take. Use with serious caution.
The challenge that Mystery poses is to kiss a woman as fast as possible. I just can’t help that Simeon is so creepy when he does anything. But the more disturbing thing is that these women find him incredibly attractive – worries me. But anyway, Simeon ends up winning by only 19 seconds. It took them about 15 minutes which I don’t think is bad at all considering they talked to 2 different groups of women before kissing one out of the group. Doing something like that is intense and does require some very quick work.
Anyway, the final challenge has the two of them trying to implement all of what they learned with what Mystery would call, a Perfect 10. Mystery throws a party filling this house with beautiful women. Simeon’s reward for winning the challenge is that he gets the master bedroom. Having the master is apparently supposed to be a demonstration of higher value. What nonsense. It just means you have a bigger room. But if you look at Matt’s room, it’s not like he has a cubicle – his room is fine.
Long story short, Simeon and Matt both attract a few women. They were both able to get it in with a hottie and make out with them. They both did a fantastic job but seeing how this is a game and Mystery is pick up artist, it was clear he was going to give the win to Simeon. Matt did an amazing job, sticking through this whole process trying to be as close to who he was as possible. He has much more natural game than any of the other guys and that is going to go a long way to what he really wanted from the start. Simeon pretty was made into a monster and will end up being just as lonely as Mystery – especially when these women find out how creepy Simeon really is.
All I have to say is this. Let this be a lesson that it is possible to be who you are and still succeed. Never apologize or make excuses for who you are and reveal yourself in an attractive way!
So the creeper gets the gold and he is given the medallion of Perth, which is symbol of mystery, which doesn’t really have anything to do with the progression of becoming the man you want to be. It just symbolizes that you are the like Mystery the most out of all the contestants. But, if you're still interested, you can check it out here.
This season was such a let down. There will probably be a season 3 but I really hope they do something different. Like not use Mystery and Matador.
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Once again, my man, Jae from Kinowear has done it again. This man in on the money with his last few articles and he comes up big again with a topic that is VERY important for guys: shoes. Believe it or not, shoes are one of the first things a woman will notice - even more so than your face. Sounds ridiculous but how you dress is very important to people. It's one of the main differences between having success and not. So read up, take lots of notes and boost your collection.
Whoever said guys who have a lot of shoes are [insert appropriate expletive here], clearly do not know what they are talking about - and probably don't have any shoes...
When it comes to shoes, it’s pretty simple. Bad shoes, you lose.
Every man needs a few pairs of great dress shoes for the unavoidable occasions that will call for them. If you’re a man who knows how important quality dress shoes are, then you probably don’t need to read further. But for everyone else, this may be one of the most important fashion articles you read.
Shoes will eternally be the most important fashion item that you buy. What you have on your feet can make or break any look. It doesn’t matter if you have the most amazing suit in the world, if you have bad shoes, you might as well roll around in a puddle of mud.
I understand that shoes are expensive and a true pain in the ass to shop for. But if you’re smart about buying shoes, you won’t have to buy again for years, if not decades.
Not only that, but the returns on your investment are immediate - quality shoes are an instant confidence booster. The smack of a heavy sole against pavement is a very satisfying sound when you’re the one producing it: it rings of authority and calls attention to your investment (and with it, your standing as a man of style).
If you still have doubts as to the importance of shoes, turn to a woman. Don’t ask her for her opinion; simply wear your finest pair and wait for her to notice and praise them. After she does, you will never scrimp on shoes again.
How Much Should I Spend on Shoes?
Good shoes are expensive. On the high end of the scale, they can cost you almost as much as a decent suit or watch (approaching the four digit range). On the lower end, they will fetch at least $250 to $300. This is really the minimum amount that you should be spending.
If those numbers make you cringe, they shouldn’t. A good pair of shoes truly is an investment that will last you for a long time. You may have to replace the soles every once in awhile, but it’s not unheard of for a man’s shoes to last him twenty, or even thirty years.
Of course, sustaining that lifespan demands maintenance. And if you’re going to actually wear a pair over that extended a period, they have to be timeless in their style. Succumbing to fleeting trends in purchasing expensive shoes is best left to the outrageously wealthy.
What to Look For
With shoes, it’s all about quality, quality, quality. It’s better to have two or three pairs of good shoes that will last a long time than to have twenty-five pairs of generic-looking bargain brands.
How do you know what’s quality? High-quality shoes are all about construction, and there are few basic things to look for:
Your shoes should be made of real leather and have leather soles as well. (If you buy quality leather shoes, they can be refurbished a number of times and will last forever, which is ultimately going to be less expensive than having to replace crappy, poorly made shoes every few months.)
The soles of well-made shoes will be stitched, not glued, to the bottom of the shoes.
Also, the lining in better shoes is made of high-quality calfskin or natural leather, not synthetic materials.
Finally, check out the stitching. It should be neat and should be barely noticeable.
Shoe Basics
1 The Laces
It’s an inescapable fact that a lace-up still looks better with a suit than a slip-on.
2 The Color
Black will always be dressier than brown. If you’re suiting up for a board meeting or a formal event, go with the former. If necessary, however, you can pair brown lace-ups with suits - especially navy or charcoal - as long as they’re scuff-free.
3 The Material
Glossy leather is the fail-safe choice, but you should feel free to experiment with suede - starting with a pair of classic bucks and progressing to exotic materials like alligator and ostrich or the growing number of antiqued leathers.
4 The Toe
An elongated toe is unequivocally classier than a square. That doesn’t mean all your lace-ups should be pointy - lots of elegant cap toes have squared-off tips - but unless you’re aiming for mid-nineties nostalgia, no shoes you wear should have a blunt, squared-off toe. I suggest staying away from them.
5 The Welt
Well-made lace-ups should have a close welt - the seam where the upper meets the sole and creates the outer edge of the shoe. It should be visible, but it shouldn’t extend so far past the edge of the shoe that it creates a ledge.
6 The Sole
A thin sole is the hallmark of a cheap shoe - plus, it not only looks cut-rate, it wears out more quickly. Yours should be at least a quarter-of-an-inch thick and preferably leather, not rubber.
7 The Broguing
Traditionalists will tell you that the more broguing - decorative stitching and perforated and serrated edges - a shoe has, the less dressy it is. But while it’s true that heavily embellished bucks look better with sport jackets and tweed than with pinstripe suits, this rule is flexible.
Dress Shoes for Business or Dressy Occasions
Cap-toe oxford
The cap-toe is the dressiest and most popular of all the business shoe styles. It looks best when worn with the more serious suit fabrics and styles. If you get one in brown, wear with navy suit, or an earth-toned suit of olive, brown or tan. Black is fine with all of the serious dark colors of gray and navy but not at all with any of the earth tones. Cordovan is the one color that seems to go with everything and is understood everywhere.
Wing-Tip Oxford
Because of its texture and heft, the wing-tip can be worn successfully with the more textured and heavier fabrics like tweed and flannel. They’re too formal for khakis or jeans, so avoid the mismatch.
Plain-toe Oxford
The plain-toe is less dressy and more simple. It’s appropriate for all business settings.
Monk Strap
The Monk Strap is a European classic which has a buckle on the side. It is most commonly made of calfskin, but brown suede leather is very popular with the man who would like a touch of uniqueness in his dress footwear. The suede leather version is seen as casual and a very elegant alternative to the loafer.
Dress Shoes For Casual Wear
Loafers
The loafer has moved beyond it’s preppy roots. Wear this basic with any casual look involving jeans or trousers.
Slip-On Dress Shoe
If you’re looking for a dress shoe that will always look good with a pair of jeans, go for a slip-on instead of one with laces.
Driving Moc
The driving moc was invented to let you feel a car’s pedals better. Now it’s an alternative to wearing slippers in public. You can find upgraded ones like this one that are more elegant. Best worn with khaki shorts in the summer with no socks.
Dress boots
Dress boots look fantastic with dressy and casual clothes, such as a great-fitting pair of dark colored designer jeans, a pair of dress trousers, or a casual suit.
Boat Shoes
These once strictly functional piece of footwear has become very popular to wear casually with khakis or even jeans.
Cowboy Boots
Classic version of American’s contribution to footwear. The perfect combination to the other American casual standby - the blue jean. Can be plain and simple or elaborately tooled leather or made from the exotic skins of ostrich or reptile.
Desert boots
This is a high-cut shoe usually made of calfskin or suede and always seems to remain in fashion. Has a cushy rubber sole making it a great walking shoe for uneven terrain. Goes very well with a pair of khakis or jeans.
Bucks
An old standby among lace-up shoes for summer wear, the white buck comes with a red rubber sole or can be worn in shades of brown, tan or buff.
Getting the Right Size
Shoes are a fashion item. So it’s easy to get distracted by chiseled toes or points instead of paying attention to boring details like size and - more importantly - the width of your foot. Your feet are not the exact same size, so, unless you want to go the whole hog at a custom shoemaker, you need a strategy.
Think of shoes the same way you think of suits. Find one or two manufacturers with fits that suit your feet. You can even see if they’ll order you a specific pair if your feet are especially wide or narrow.
8 Fit Tips for Shoes:
1.Shop after you have been out and about a bit, since feet do swell. This way you will get the most realistic measurement.
2.Shop only at a store that uses a Brannock foot measuring device for determining your exact foot size.
3.Almost everyone has one foot larger than the other, usually it is the right foot; fit the shoes to the larger right foot. Do not rely soley on the size you have always worn. Different makes can vary significantly from each other, even though the numeric size is the same. Always try them both on, walk around in them, and buy them by how they feel on your feet - not just by the size.
4. Allow a half-inch between the tips of your toes and your shoes. If the toes of the shoes are pointed, be certain there is enough room for your toes to move comfortably. Shoes should never be tight over the instep of ball of the foot. You should be able to stick your index finger in the back for wiggle room.
5. When considering an oxford-style shoe, you should not be able to tie the laces so tightly that the two edges of the shoe meet. If you can, then a narrower size is probably better for you.
6. Buy leather shoes. Though more expensive, because it is porous, leather is the best for the health and comfort of your feet. In leather shoes the foot can breathe, discouraging the build-up of bacteria.
7. Shoes should fit from the moment you try them on. Do not accept the salesperson’s, “Once you break them in they will be fine.” The man-made materials used today do not stretch significantly, but leather adapts to your foot shape quite well.
8.When shopping, wear the same type of sock you will use with the dress or sports shoes. Too heavy or too thin socks will distort the fit.
Shoe Care Tips
If you want to extend the life of your shoes, a professional shoe shine is worth much more than what you pay for it.
If you’re after a winner’s style and you’ve invested good money in your shoes, it’s really unbecoming to be shy about a professional shine.
If you’re nervous about getting a professional shine for the first time, take it from me, the men shining shoes in hotels, airports, train stations or street corners are some of the friendliest people I’ve ever met. From the minute you sit down in the chair they will take care of everything with gentle, knowing taps or touches. Just be friendly and enjoy the experience.
If you’re the do-it-yourself type, here’s a great how to video that I’ve found by a mustachioed Englishman:
The Value of Shoe Trees
The average man produces up to a half pint of perspiration per day and most of it is absorbed by the leather lining and uppers of the shoe. Shoe trees draw the moisture away from the leather allowing them to dry more efficiently and to retain their shape. Also, by discouraging bacterial build-up, shoe odor is kept in check.
Many experts claim that the average man would double the life of his favorite pair of shoes by simply putting a pair of shoe trees into them as soon as he took them off at the end of the day.
Shoe Shopping Tips
For the best fit and selection, go to specialty dress shoe stores.
For the best deals, visit department stores, wholesalers, and outlet malls. Don’t shy away from buying shoes on clearance, either. The only thing these shoes are usually guility of is being a season or two “out of style.” But honestly, when you get out on the street, nobody can tell the difference between a 2005 Kenneth Cole oxford and a 2007 Kenneth Cole oxford.
If you are going to buy shoes online, a good trick is to try on the same pair in a store to ensure a comfortable fit, and then go online for the best deal. But if you have previous experience with a particular brand, then ther’s no need to worry about purchasing shoes online without trying the on first. IN any case, most reputable online retailers offer full refunds.
Visit shoe stores on Sunday mornings, or late on weeknights. Chances are you will be the only customer in the store, and the sales-person will be able to concentrate on you. The result? Knowledgeable, one-on-one service.
Conclusion
The next time you put on your pair of dress shoes to go out, take a good look at what you’re wearing. Are they a quality pair of shoes? Is it fit for the occasion? Is it scuffed up? Does it need repairing or shining? Is it out of style? (Boxy, square shoes look good on nobody)
Your shoes will make or break any look. Next time, give the attention to your shoes first, before anything else.
To those that know me, you know by now that the Matrix Trilogy has a couple of some of my favorite movies. I remember when each movie came out and how ridiculously sick these movies were – and still are, really. It changed the way we saw everything; well, it changed how I saw everything. After getting caught up in so much stuff, like college, I lost track of the significance of something as breakthrough as the Matrix. There are so many quotes people can live by it’s ridiculous. Whenever I get a chance, I watch it as many times as possible. Good thing it’s on a lot in HD! I like watching it before going out and times like these when I am writing articles because it gets me so pumped up! It really does “free my mind.”
Why bring this up? Well, although the Matrix wasn’t real, there were the certain few that could manipulate what goes on inside the Matrix and pretty much do anything within their belief. Morpheus preached that. “Don’t think you can. Know you can.”
If you see me quote something, chances are, it came from the Matrix.
It’s all about believing in yourself and making a choice. All of these principles apply to everything in your life – your career, women, family, friends and everything else you could think of. You are in control of your own reality and you call the shots. You may not realize it but you have the ultimate power of controlling what happens in your life. If you don’t like something, you can change it. It won’t be instantaneous like these guys do but you can change it over time. It’s all about how willing you are to take the risk and make the change. You have to realize that this can happen and only you have the ability to do it. No one else is going to help you or bail you out. You have to decide your own fate.
One memorable quote just happened. Neo asks Morpheus, “So are you telling me that I can dodge bullets?” Morpheus responds with, “No, Neo, I’m saying that when you’re ready, you won’t have to.”
And you know what? He’s right. When you’re ready to accept the fact that you are in control, nothing will faze you and you will be able to handle anything that comes across your path.
I’m an extreme believer in constantly watching movies or listening to music that will keep you upbeat – or if you’re angry to relax you. These are great motivational tools to keep you at your best and to truly believe you are capable of doing something. If I come across more, I will definitely post them for you check out.
So stop limiting your beliefs and free your mind. You’ll be seeing things in a different light.
If you end up seeing things like Neo did in the Matrix, contact me ASAP.
But this is all part of a very important process for me, a process I go through every single day.
“You look like you know where you’re going.” I wait for her to respond.
