While in transit back to New York City, I get time to reflect on how my clients are doing and what they are experiencing when they go out. This particular weekend, I was working with clients who were slightly older than me. As you get older, the club scene no longer suits you. Now that quality becomes the name of the game, how do you go about finding that quality? And even when you do, how do you acclimate yourself into these new environments without coming off creepy or feeling weird? It can be a simple process with research, practice and repetition. But this particular weekend, something stood out to more than usual.
How come it’s so hard to find quality - specifically quality men - in your area?
There were a few men that a couple of my clients had their eyes on and from a far, they looked perfectly decent, attractive men. I even went up to them to find out their marital status (all single). As soon as they opened their mouths, my clients became disinterested - and in some cases appalled - by what was transpiring in front of them. Then, you figure it’s no wonder why they’re still single. But then, you feel deceived, manipulated, hurt and angry - a vicious cycle that can be the means of becoming a jaded and broken single woman, skeptical of any prospect that comes your way, no matter how “quality” they may appear. Law of (Your) Averages says they’re not, and you don’t even bother with them. I certainly don’t want this to happen to you.
The truth is the lack of quality is apparent in most major cities, but it is still possible to find quality. You just have to look in the right places. I am going to give you a couple important tips to keep in mind when you make decisions in going out and about what kind of man you’re looking for.
Guys, this post is for women but use the information I give to your advantage. It’ll help you too.
If you’re out looking for men between 10PM and 2AM, understand that you’ll have serious competition and it’ll work against you. It’s not what you think. Let’s be real. As an older guy, who is he going to go after at this time, the older, respectable woman or the younger hot bombshell who primped herself to look like a movie star? You don’t need me to tell you the answer.
Chances are when you go out, sure you step up your game in terms of how you dress but it’s not unusually over-the-top. This could also mean that what you wear our at night would be something you’d be comfortable wearing when the sun’s out. Younger women typically don’t do this. They’ll be over-the-top and reveal as much as is appropriate to get the attention of men (and also to feel good about themselves - post for another time). Chances are, what they wear at night would NOT look appropriate when the sun’s out.
What can you learn from this? Don’t go out looking for potentials during these hours. Men think below the eyes and will be more attracted to who looks the best. In loud venues and bar scenes, it’s not primarily about knowing someone’s personality. It’s about establishing a physical (read: sexual) dynamic. There’s a reason it’s not called a “one-day stand.”
You’re better off having fun with your girlfriends and if a man does come around, think of it as a bonus to your night and not the make-or-break of it.
While we’re on the topic, bars can be difficult places to meet people in general. There are too many distractions (and competition) going around for you to truly stand out. If you’re in a sports town like Boston and there’s a game on, forget about it. If you’re using the bar as your only source for getting dates, you’re placing yourself in prospect isolation.
What can we learn from this? Become open to meeting your match ANY OTHER TIME. That includes walking down the street or having lunch somewhere. Part of the reason it’s rare for men to approach women during the day is that most likely you are so focused on what you need to accomplish that it never occurs in your mind (and body) that you could actually meet someone - and it shows. These days, people are meeting at work, in line at a store, bank, at the mall, in the park and even walking down the street. I remember a few years ago, I met someone on one side of a crosswalk. By the time we made it to the other side, I had her number and a date (thank goodness it was a long light).
Where are some unique places where this could be possible?
Train platforms (a couple of my clients met their now girlfriends waiting for their train to work)
Gyms (especially classes such as spin, yoga and crossfit)
“Geek” stores (Best Buy, Apple, etc.)
Whole Foods or neighborhood markets
Themed events (wine tastings, fashion shows, launch parties)
Social sports or running clubs
Once-a-year events (Fourth of July, New Year’s Eve, Halloween, St. Patrick’s Day, etc.)
Professional sports venues (ONLY if you enjoy sports - a client met someone she dated for a while at a college alumni game).
At the end of the day, you have to look a little deeper than just at location when it comes to finding your potential match. A place at 7PM looks VERY different than at 11PM. Keep that mind and let the night flow the way it should - with grace, style and lots of fun.
*And for the guys, always be respectful to women under ANY circumstance. I saw way too many men MUCH older than me carrying themselves as though they were half my age this weekend. Grow up, be polite and most importantly, carry yourself like a real man. If you’re reading this blog as a result of getting my card this weekend, wondering why women were hanging with me and not with you, it’s because I respect and enjoy their company. I’m not rude and I don’t say absurd things. Try it.