Finding Love Through Obsessions & Holding Grudges

My beloved Celtics, 2008 NBA World ChampsThis is fourth and last week of the 2011 Dating and Lifestyle Kickstart Guide. Thursdays, we've covered dating.

I’ve been obsessed with data lately. I’ve also been obsessed with the grudges I’ve had - and in some cases, still do.

In this extensive post, you will learn...

  • How everyone has a grudge and why it can help you succeed in dating.
  • What you think about dating is wrong and why it’s a good thing.
  • How the 10/10/10 system can help you become more successful in dating.

Let’s talk about grudges.

I LOVE sports, especially basketball. I seriously think if I put as much time & energy into basketball as my business, I’d be in the NBA. Sounds pretty ridiculous but I believe in my talents -- and was ready to take them to South Beach.

When I was younger, I was SO passionate about hoops and my parents wouldn’t let me focus on it because they wanted me to focus on my education (naturally). I’m not mad at them more than I’m mad at myself for not learning negotiation skills at an earlier age.

I still had opportunities to play basketball and when I did, I took it VERY seriously. The first team I played for went 0-15. And these weren’t just 15 losses. These were 15 consecutive blowouts.

For someone that hates losing, it was a very frustrating time in my life. The next year, the team I was on was better and we ended up in the championship game as the underdog against the defending champion, that had some of the best players in the city.

I played the best game of my life, scoring 35 points, including the game-tying points to put the game in overtime. We ended up losing in overtime by 3 points. No one thought the game would even be close.

To this day, I still hold a grudge. Even after winning an amateur league championship while in college, I still hold that grudge. Why?

Because no one thought the game would be close. Us winning wasn’t even an idea in people’s minds. As long as I'm on the court, there will ALWAYS be a chance to win.

Take a look at Ray Allen, shooting guard for the Boston Celtics, who broke the NBA All-time record for most 3-pt shots made. He didn’t hope to break the record. He made sure he would.

His grudge has always been against people who took his jump shot for granted and he obsessed about being successful. Read the quote below.

"I've argued this with a lot of people in my life. When people say God blessed me with a beautiful jump shot, it really pisses me off. I tell those people, 'Don't undermine the work I've put in every day.' Not some days. Every day. Ask anyone who has been on a team with me who shoots the most. Go back to Seattle and Milwaukee, and ask them. The answer is me -- not because it's a competition but because that's how I prepare. 

[My preparation] drives me insane. I'm wrought with anxiety about being ready, about getting my shots in with nobody on the floor but me. Sometimes I get this bad feeling, almost like an itch, and I've got to get rid of it. I've got to get out there and get my shots up so that feeling goes away. It is bothering me right now. Small things are getting to me.

Some people could care less if they make a jump shot, a free throw. I have chosen to zone in and focus on this. I played baseball and football and some soccer, and I truly would have been the best at those sports at whatever position I chose because I would have set my mind to it.

I'm of sound mind and body, two arms and two legs, like millions of other people, but the ones who want it badly enough set themselves apart.'' [ESPN article]

Take the time to think about what your “grudge” is. We all have one, whether it’s with yourself or other people. If you didn’t have one, you’d have NO desire to do some of things you do, like work harder, find love, make more money and accomplish personal goals.

A lot of people thought I would always finish last as a nice guy. Women thought I wasn’t attractive enough to date them. Guys thought I wasn’t athletic enough to play sports. Friends thought my business would never work.


So, what the hell does this have to do with dating and the 10/10/10 system? Let’s take a look at some stats that I found VERY interesting, from a Single in America study presented by

54% of men and 41% of woman CAN, in fact, fall in love at first sight.

35% of one-night stands do turn into long-term relationships.

71% of people fell in love with people they weren’t originally attracted to.

49% of people fell in love with their best friend.

Seems a little counterintuitive to what the projected norm is, right? It is, but data doesn’t lie. In today’s world, what has always been seen as impossible, is more possible than you could have ever imagined. What was once non-sensical make total sense. It’s how the world works.

We’re constantly evolving and this will always be to our advantage as long as we accept the shifts and find ways to make the best of these changes.

Doing nothing and complaining has it's own consequences. Take action and control of your own life.

I will share two examples in which the 10/10/10 system can work in your dating life.

Decision-making in dating. With any important decision you make, you have to think about short-term and long-term implications.

“How will this affect me in the next 10 minutes? 10 hours? 10 days?”

Sometimes, it can go further. Will it affect you in 10 weeks? 10 months? 10 years? The more serious the decision, the longer-lasting the effects. Examples would be getting married, buying a house and having children.

But for more active short-term things that could have long-term effects, it could be things such as, joining a social organization or dating online.

Increasing your chances of dating success. Play with this idea: For every option you open yourself up to, can increase your chances of dating success by 10%. For example, if you do join that social sports group, you’ll now have a 110% chance of success now that you have more options.

Let’s say you also go out to a wine tasting that week. You’ve just increased your chances by 10% again, giving you a 121% chance. Doing something else, such as online dating can increase your chances by another 10% (conservative, considering it’s online) to 133%.

Keep in mind, everyone’s baseline chances for success vary by the person, but in any case, increasing your chances by 133% looks pretty good.

When you can break things down into numbers, anything is attainable. And all it takes is trying a few new things and sticking with them for an extended period of time. If you try things once and stop trying, don’t come to me saying you haven’t seen results.

When it comes to dating, you have to take risks, expose yourself to new experiences, figure out how you can maximize the experience the next time and repeating the cycle.

Practice and repetition. It’s how Ray Allen will become a future Hall of Famer and it’s how YOU can better your dating life.

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