sex

Sex, Dreams, and Dating

Our dreams say a lot about who we are. What they also tell is how our perceptions deceive us when we're awake -- especially when it comes to dating.

It’s no surprise America is the most sexually repressed country in the world. We were constantly told growing up that thinking dirty thoughts are wrong.

That couldn’t be further from the truth.

Our brains are naturally wired to think about reproduction. It’s completely natural to think about wanting to have sex with someone.

In the Matrix (you knew a Matrix reference was coming), Mouse told Neo, 

“To deny our own impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human.”

Tweet this.

But first, let’s talk about the myth that women don’t think, or in this case, dream about sex.

Nearly 9 out of 10 men dream about sex

We all know that men do -- and it’s true. To this day, many men still believe having sexual thoughts are bad. So instead, they dream about it. And men dream about sex a ton.

Well, researchers at the University of Montreal have been collecting data over the last 11 years, and found over 73 percent of women confessed to dream about sex. 

Nearly 3 out of every 4 women dream about sex

This stat isn’t just to prove thinking about sex is a completely normal thing. It’s for guys to understand that it’s necessary to be open and authentic about your intentions with women.

When you don’t let her know you’re sexually attracted to her, you’re basically telling yourself what you are feeling is wrong. The reality is it’s very likely the woman you’re talking to is thinking very similar thoughts.

And as much as she’s thinking about it, it’s even MORE taboo for her to be the one acting on those feelings, so it’s imperative you open the door, make your intentions known, and get her in a state where she feels comfortable opening up to you sexually.

Both men and women are insecure -- in different ways

Other interesting facts from this same study conclude men and women are sub-consciously insecure in different ways.

While guys are dreaming of flying through the air and saving the world from its constant impending doom, women on the other hand dream about things such as being paralyzed by fear, failing exams, and dying.

The total irony is when they’re awake, men and women project completely different attitudes, especially when it comes to dating. Men lack "superhero" courage and are fearful of approaching or trying to attract woman; and women put their guards up, projecting confidence and making men feel out of their league, when in reality, they fear making a bad choice in choosing a man.

With this new information, you can see a balance exists between how both men and women outwardly behave and what they sub-consciously think. So, it comes down to this:

In the dating world, we are all equal

So guys, the next time you see an attractive woman, understand if you try to approach and make a connection with her, not only may she be physically attracted to you, but there's also a chance she’s just as nervous as you.

Don’t let her external beauty prevent you from finding out how much beauty exists internally -- the more important of the two.

The Afterglow

Hey, now.Partnering with Durex last week was a lot of fun.

Although Twitter decided to have it’s biggest outage in its history, the “Sexfluencers” (Health, Love, and Sex editor at BlogHer, A.V. Flox; dating blogger Miss Taylor Cast and my fiancée, Laurie) and I had an awesome Twitter party answering your questions about all things sex and over-sharing in the social web.

In true Wingman style, I helped set the mood during the outages with some “sexytime” music. I kicked off with Al Green’s “Let’s Stay Together,” which was chosen using Durex’s song generator as me and Laurie’s love-making tune.

Later that night, we partied it up in NYC -- see the Kiss Cam, filled with condoms, ladies and the celebs that rocked the house (Ice T!). 

And, I also got to try out their latest products that were designed to keep you in sync with your partner, in my case, my fiancée.

Apparently for some people, climaxing at the same time is the holy grail of sex -- and it’s rarer than getting struck by lightning. Personally, although it’s awesome, it’s not the end all.

Let's Talk About Sex

It’s rare we talk about sex here, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t important to any physical connection. All the flirting has to lead somewhere, right?

When clients and I discuss the “taboo” topic, I do give quality advice for getting down under the sheets...or on the couch...or wherever you choose to “get down.”

But what about the how to? Some clients who talk with me about it have issues with timing, the best practices for initiating sex, and other things such as best time of the day, how often, and how long.

Sleep More. Get Laid.

That was the original concept for this infographic. It still makes me laugh.

I had the awesome opportunity to team up with Zeo, a wellness company, on a research project that found whether or not sleep can effect your game.

You'll be surprised to see how much it does affect your ability to date. I typically sleep roughly 7-8 hours a day no matter when I go to sleep the night before (just ask my fiancée what happens if I don't get enough sleep).

Enjoy the infographic below and be sure to pass it around.


Every Secret to Dating & Sex Answered By Women

Men will do or say anything to give them an excuse why something isn’t possible. Part of my job is to prove them wrong. Thank goodness there is data our there from surveys and online interactions to help my cause. This one comes from Maxim Magazine as they surveyed almost 8,000 women from across the country. Still skeptical? Think of it in numbers:

Why Intimacy is Killing Your Relationship

One of the sexiest scenes in movie history is the opening sequence between Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia in When a Man Loves a Woman. For those of you who have not seen the film, it begins with Andy Garcia’s character picking up Meg Ryan’s character in a bar.  After a few minutes of some sexy banter, (spoiler alert!) the audience realizes that they are actually a couple. And that Andy Garcia looks very good in a pilot uniform, but that is beside the point.

Introducing LoveNation

For over a month, I have been working on a new project that has quickly become my baby. And now, after long days and even longer nights, I pleased to announce the debut of LoveNation.

LoveNation is a web show hosted by yours truly and Laurie Davis, the eFlirt expert. She’s an online dating coach that has quickly garnered attention in the dating industry. If you’re not following her on Twitter now, then you should. Here’s the show’s description:

In an evolving dating world, there isn't enough support for couples and singles in unique situations. LoveNation covers the emerging trends they face and gives tips to these up-and-coming crowds.

Every Tuesday, Laurie and I will talk about an emerging trend in the dating world and provide tips for couples and singles involved with that trend. From cougars to interspatial couples (men who are shorter than the women), we will cover them all. In each episode, we will also be answering a viewer email. If you’d like a question answered, just send it to us. You never know, it might just get answered on the show!

As an addition, every Thursday, Laurie and I will be doing a segment called He Said, She Said. giving our own unique perspectives on the same date topic. From meeting the parents, to when it’s appropriate to say the L word, both of us will give our unique perspective. My side will, of course, be from the male wingman point of view and hers will be from a female on-line perspective. Sometimes, we’ll agree, sometimes we won’t but either way,  both men and women will be able to get some quality tips from us.

Check it out and if you have any feedback to give, it would be greatly appreciated!

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The “Myths and Rules” of Dating

I had an amazing vegetarian Sloppy Joe dinner with two lovely lady friends the other night and conversation came up about many things but one that stuck was about dating and the perceived “rules” that apply. At this point, if there are people who follow “rules” when it comes to dating, you might need to get something checked out. There are no rules and even if there are any, there will always be either an exception to one or a consistently broken one. But let’s get into a few topics.

 

When do you call? Guys, if you are waiting three days to call her back, you’re an idiot. I don’t care what kind of impression you gave her, she’s going to meet at least 20 other guys in those three days that have just as good of an opportunity to make an even better impression. She’ll forget about you in those three days. What’s going to be your excuse? What, you think you would just call her and pick up things where you left off…THREE DAYS LATER??!?!

Here’s some easy advice. Call her no later than the next day. Personally, if I’m really interested in someone, I’ll send her a text within a 12-hour period. Why wait on something in a world where there are plenty of people who won’t and not care? Just do it. There’s no longer the, “wow, he called me the next day. He must be desperate.” If anything, it’s, “why hasn’t he called me, yet?”

One-night stands. Apparently, it’s not just guys who are looking for the 12-hour relationship. I’m hearing that women are looking for it more and more. It doesn’t really surprise me. So many men have been going out, sleeping with many women, without remorse. Women have been played, manipulated and taken advantage of, only to be kicked out or left behind with only a fake promise of something more than just a night together. In return, women have now taken the role of the man, using their skills and assets to get what they want and return the favor the next morning.

Sounds terrible and I’m in no way playing women to be victims, here, or saying that this is the sole reason why women are now in the one-night stand business, but that’s the nature of the one-night stand. The problems that can get in the way of this being a “smooth” situation deal with emotions and expectations. The dating world is still one that has people afraid of asking for what they want. Instead, they say what they think the other person wants to hear. The bad part is what that person hears is great and therefore sets expectations, not knowing they’ll end up being false.

Then you have the other side where expectations are straightforward and both people are actually truthful about what they want. And then when the situation comes, one person allows emotions to get involved (to a certain degree) and then desires more. Meanwhile, the other person committed to what they want and are sticking to it. That doesn’t create a happy ending either.

This is probably why one-night stands are the easiest things to pull off…until you get to the morning and then they become one of the hardest. If you can’t commit to the deal, then don’t get yourself into it. You’re only going to end up feeling manipulated, used, angry and vengeful. No reason to take it out on the person who committed all the way through, either. He or she stayed the course. It can be a tough business.

The best advice here is if you are going to do it, stay the course. Emotions should not get too involved or else someone will lose. The moment your emotions change, you need to let the other person know and see what happens. Granted, you will be putting your “deal” in jeopardy but if you think it’s worth it, then you should absolutely take that risk.

Cell phone etiquette. I am not going to get too much into it, but if you’re out on a date and you answer a phone or text message, it’s no longer a date. If you can’t break from society for just a few hours, then you’re better off joining them. It’s my biggest pet peeve. Undivided attention seems to be a rarity these days and I happen to value it. If you can’t give that back to me, it’s a sign of disrespect. So for the hour or so that we’re together, keep it on silent and I don’t want to see it on the table. And certainly expect the same from me.

What are some of your “myths & rules” of dating?

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Women Aren’t Going to Bars to Meet Guys Anymore

Guys, they’ve caught on. Either that or we’ve blown it too many times and have now ruined our chances of possibly finding a potential mate at a bar. Yes, the current statistics do state that less than 5% of relationships today originate from an encounter at a bar or nightclub. But that hasn’t always been the case. There are plenty of friends’ parents I know that met at a bar. They never said that it was the only way to meet people but it was a lot easier to then. You could definitely just approach “strange” people with much less pressure. I feel like the 50s, 60s and 70s were such a more social time than now, even though we have more social outlets at our fingertips today. So what’s the problem? Why are women averse to meeting guys in bars now? Well there are plenty of reasons but I’ll talk about a one particular aspect.

The dating world has changed dramatically. My dad had my sister at 28. My mum was 25. There are so many more factors today say why that will most likely not happen to me. I can mention the evolution of gender and racial equality, education and the economy to name a few. Nowadays, the concept of hooking up is widely accepted. On the other side, it can be stated that the progression of maturity is slower these days. In other words, the idea of “growing up” no longer includes having a spouse, kids and a home. Other people can say people are more selfish now because of our access to more information and opportunities. I could just keep going but I’ll just put out what I think the dating world looks like right now, by perspective of age.

Ages 13-21: Craziness. I hate to drop the starting age so low because I wasn’t even thinking about sex at that age but with stories in the news of teachers catching younger kids performing sexual acts on one another and quicker sexual development of kids these days, it’s just no longer surprising that kids would be thinking about sex that soon. The media has a lot to do with it as well.

At this age, boys and girls are just figuring out “what this does” and “how do I use this” and “I can do that?” kind of stuff. At a certain point, sex is all they want and they can’t get enough because it’s a novelty. Having sex is seen as a trend then anything else. “Everyone’s doing it.”

Ages 21-25: Casual relationships. At this point, you’re done with undergrad and now starting a new chapter in your life. You have no idea what’s going to happen and nowadays, that’s a great thing because you’re not committed to anything or anyone. At the same time, you still have NO clue who you are (or at least who you will be). In this stage, hooking up becomes the more acceptable thing. Commitment just isn’t realistic for most, maybe because of work or a lifestyle choice. People don’t want to be tied down at this time and they figure they can still party like they used to in college…but in the real world. They can worry about the committed stuff later.

Ages 25-30: More exclusive dating and relationships. Reality sets in and you realize that you can’t be partying and hooking up like this for the rest of your life and wouldn’t mind getting into something a little more “routine.” So you start to be more conscious of whom you’re going out with and if the right person comes along and you two have a good few dates, you may put yourself in a relationship. Those relationships can last for years or months, depending on where you are in your life. You’ll go through phases of loving your relationship or missing being on the market but you avert your thoughts because you think you’re on the right track. In between relationships, you’re back to your hooking up phase, catch yourself doing it, stop and get back into your relationship-seeking mode. It’s a sucky cycle and these are the years where you REALLY figure out what you want, as frustrating as it may be.

Ages 30 and up. Commitment. This is where you realize that you’re 30 and would like to start a family soon. Women would consider their “clock” starting to tick a little louder around this time. Pursuit is a little more aggressive as more effort is put into finding the potential spouse and provider/protector of your children because you feel pretty convinced that you know what you want.

Obviously these are general statements and don’t apply to everyone because of special circumstances but this is how I see the dating world now. This is the only dating world I know. I’ve had plenty of conversations with my parents and my friends’ parents about this. There are so many choices today and people are quick to put aside things for more selfish reasons because of this accessibility. Would you agree? Disagree? Let’s talk about this.

So if you’re asking me, “if I can’t meet women in bars anymore, where can I meet them?” I’ll have the answer for you tomorrow.

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Do You Want to Empower Your Love Life?

If so, sign up for The State of the Wingman newsletter for free dating tips and exclusive content! Also receive my free eBook, The Other Twenty Percent - The Starter Guide for Instant Dating Success. One of the easiest and effective ways to see dating improvement.